Looking Back from the Present

Caleb: A snapshot

2012-01-26T16:59:00.000-08:00

It's hard to sum up a person, but if the past two days count.....a few of Caleb's quotes can pretty much wrap him up! Outside of these, I can say that he spends much of his free time running around outside or inside playing Ninjas or Starwars with his little brother and friends. He lives to watch movies, but loves listening to audio stories and reading books,. He'll tell you he doesn't like school, but is doing very well and excels in reading, math, and recess! :-) He gives me hugs every day when I drop him off to Kindergarten, still asks to snuggle with me every night, and remains my tenderhearted snuggle bunny...

Here's a snapshot of my precious boy at 6:

Friend: " You are so not cool!"

Caleb: (in a pleasant voice): "I don't care if I'm cool. I only care if I think I'm cool."

And while I'm preparing dinner, nerves frazzled, with Grace screaming in the background and Anna Ruth fussing at my feet.....pretty much at my wit's end:

Caleb: "Mama, why do you seem like you are frustrated?"

Me: "Well, Caleb...Mama has a hard time sometimes when baby cries alot."

Caleb: "Yes, I understand. That's ok."

A few minutes later...(me still fixing dinner):

Caleb: "Mama? Well, I don't want to cause you any more work or anything, but.....well....after you finish what you're doing, would you please get me some milk?"

Always the ever-thinking negotiator....working things into the plan, so that no one remembers the plan was created by none-other than Caleb.

Caleb: "Emet? (Caleb frequently speaks to us via a verbal instruction to Emet) Since Mama is going to the gym tonight, I bet tonight would be a good night to watch Star Wars. But, we'll have to eat all of our dinner first."

And, today in the car on the way home from school:

Caleb: "Hey Mama? I know you won't remember this later, but I'm going to tell you anyways. So, I think that we should make a marble jar for you and Papa, just like our marble jar.....and when you do something good, you'll get a marble. When the jar fills up, then we'll go to the store after Papa gets off work, unless it's Saturday, and you and Papa can pick out a present. Since you are trying to lose pounds, then we'll buy you a healthy drink. But, if you're done losing pounds by the time your jar fills up, then we won't buy you a healthy drink...because you'll be all done then."

Then, we come back to reality for a while....Caleb is presently up in his bed with no books to read for a mandatory nap time following disobedience and a tantrum in the car on the way home from Kindergarten, which included a wild kick to the back of the seat, prompting the immediate wake-up of his newborn sister...who is now crying in her crib...... :-)

Anna Ruth: Joy Abundant

2012-01-02T13:12:00.000-08:00

Anna Ruth,

You're my big two year old now, and as of this past month- a big sister too! And oh how you have blossomed in the past month! My goodness, it's as if you have been holding back all of your vocabulary....connecting words into sentences, showing feelings and emotions, and being silly...and now the floodgates have broken loose! The pitter-patter and slap-slap of your bare little feet on the wood floors is a sound we have captured forever in our hearts. Your infectious laughter and giggles will forever ring like Christmas bells in our ears, and the sparkle in your eyes we'll treasure for a lifetime.

When you came to visit us at the hospital to meet your baby sister, you seemed quite distraught to see Mama and Papa there, as we weren't at home with you. You were excited to meet your new sister, but didn't want to come to Mama. You clung to Grandpa B and wouldn't leave his lap. As you sat there on his lap, looking quite forlorn, you burst out into sad tears. That was the first time we had seen you express sadness, as before this point, we have only see you cry when you are hurt or frustrated. Since we've been home, however, you have been such a big helper! You love to climb up next to me as I nurse your sister and "nuggle", and you are always bringing Gracie her blankets and get diapers and wipes for Mama. When she cries, you get so concerned and say, "Oh! Bebe Kying"...and you start to cry yourself.

You do not want to be left out of anything your big brothers are doing, and love to be in their midst, coloring, playing legos, or just playing nearby. Now that Caleb is in Kindergarten, you and Emet spend hours outside every week playing....you following along or riding your new tricycle while Emet rides his bike. (You haven't really gotten the hang of peddling yet, but you scoot along anyways.)

You adore your Papa and light up like a bright star each night when he comes home from work. You love nothing more than having him pick you up, chase you around, or just spend time with you. He puts you to bed with rocking, stories and songs each night. And since we returned from Grandma and Grandpa B's house for Christmas....you now sleep in a big girl bed...the crib empty and ready for when Gracie moves up to your room.

And speaking of being a big girl, about a month ago the cold weather came upon us....and everyone's skin was beginning to dry up and crack. Your poor little left thumb, the one you have sucked since birth, cracked open wide. We had to put a bandaid on it, and Papa told you that if you sucked it, it would hurt badly. You haven't sucked your thumb since. You seemed genuinely sad, and when it was brought up, you clearly didn't want to talk about it. So...there it was....a habit Mama and Papa worried about how you would break, and it happened in a day....a sad day for Anna Ruth.

Below are a few of the special things that you say and do that I don't ever want to forget...some you have been doing / saying for a while....and the some are the things that have come forth just this past couple of weeks.

Eye yee (little blanket owl...you're trying to say "Owlie" which is what we all call her)
Nigh Nigh (your light pink and brown snuggle blanket with flowers)
Wah ooo (water)
muck or mult (milk)
peas (please)
Ut? (up?)
Yesth (yes)
Yaw (yeah)
No! (No! :-) )
Doon (Down)
Ways Papa Gohn? (Where's Papa going?)
I you you! (I love you)
I you you too (I love you too)
I lah you (I love you)
Bah bl (Bible)
Boot (book)
Boot (boot!)
my shoo? (my shoe? you LOVE to put on your shoes, and are very particular about which ones you wear)
my (meaning mine)
dat (that)
dah yee (dolly)
Ta ta (Greta)
puh-kins (pumpkins)
nacky (snack, especially fruit sauce crushers)
gihn? (again)
Uhmut (Emet)
KB (Caleb)
Cub (Caleb)
Bobos (brothers)
muhn (Good Night Moon)
Thank You (I'm Thankful Each Day)
nuggle (snuggles)
Oh! (followed by whatever you need/want)
Uh oh!(followed by whatever is wrong in your world)...ie Uh oh! Pay! (meaning you want to pray when you hear a siren)
Mah Men (Amen).....reaching out to hold two hands for prayer time
Mo! (more)
Mo Whites (What you say each time we see Christmas lights outside - you get sooooo excited!)
Mo Song (to Papa at night when putting her to bed...she wants more singing)
No Song (Ru bear does NOT want singing)
No Papa Nigh Nigh (Anna Ruth does NOT want any blankets "nigh nigh" other than her own special one)
Question: "Anna Ruth, what sound does a [insert any animal] say?" Answer: "MOO!!!" (lots of giggles from everyone...repeat)
Gumma/Gamma (Grandma)
Gumpa/Gampa (Grandpa)
Cah nee (Candy)

Reading order at night: Children's Bible Storybook (Mindy MacDonald), I'm Thankful Each Day, Goodnight Moon.....recently the Children's Bible Storybook has been switched out for 9 Fruits Alive

Songs sung at night by Papa: Jesus Loves Me, Blessed Assurance
And if it is Mama.....Silent Night, Away in a Manger, Jesus Loves Me

Very recently....

Kih miss tee (Christmas tree)
Bug bug bug bug (She reaches out and touches our nose as we do when we say, "God bless you dear bug" each night to every child)
Peek-a-boo-I-see-you!! (said rapidly as you dart into the room with a brilliant, happy smile)
Jesus la me no no no (as she sings the song "Jesus Loves Me" by herself)
Figuring out how to count by listening to Bobos play hide and seek

And...in the past two weeks since I wrote the above, the floodgates have completely broken loose. I would say you are now fully conversant. So, from many disjointed words to fully conversant....in just a month. It was a whirlwind of change. And now, truly now, is when time will speed ahead so quickly that in a few short months, we will have a hard time believing that just six months before, you were our happy little baby girl who wasn't talking. This seems to always be the transition from toddler to little people.

God bless you, our dear little Anna Ruth. You are a joy like no other. We are blessed to be your Mama and Papa, and we look forward to watching you grow and change in the amazing year between 2 and 3 years old...the full transition between baby and preschooler.

Love,

Mama

One Month Old: Growing, growing, growing...

2012-01-02T12:05:00.000-08:00

Growing, growing, growing......over 3lbs in a month!

Little billy goat noises are slowly giving way to soft vocal inflections such as "Ah"....Cries are no longer quite so sharp....movements are not so jerky. And, somewhere in this month, the tiny curled up bundle on my chest has begun to stretch out....Legs and arms don't pull in and tuck anymore, but stretch out. Your head doesn't automatically nuzzle in toward the place where you lived for over 9 months.

The newborn clothes that never fit according to numbers, yet fit because of the frail figure and scrunched up body....all of a sudden look like they could have never fit at all!!!....So much so in fact that the next size is almost too small! How did I miss this? Happens every time. Unopened diapers are also about to be exchanged...again.

Eyes are beginning to focus and look directly at us, instead of up and just beyond....the stage Papa always calls looking at Jesus.

Instead arms and legs are straightening out, and muscles strengthening to hold a sweet head...though it still bobs to and fro....every now and then jerking backwards or forward, especially when sleepy and full of milk.

Time in the baby gym now includes looking in the mirror and batting at the little jungle animals hanging above your head.... more often than not the silence turns to cries of tummy discomfort....but every now and then, a happy little sound comes out.

The newborn appearance is almost gone, yet that infant stage hasn't arrived either....you are somewhere in between...but not for long! As the puffiness of birth recedes, big blue eyes with sparkle and long lashes are emerging, and a beautiful smile is breaking forth with amazing dimples!

Sleep for all of us is a little more regular with a feeding schedule starting to stabilize: 6, 8, 11, 2, 5, 8, 11. Though, with four little ones and a still gassy tummy, naps are sporadic and come with relaxation and no tummy pain.

Little breaths come in frantic rapidity when it is time to eat, sometimes along with tiny snorts. Afterwards, a completely relaxed torso, head and neck with closed eyes flops back and forth as we seek a burp worthy to save hours of discomfort. It isn't always easy.

Milk covers your mouth and chin and slides to the neck where it can quickly smell sour, though a bath in the little tub makes you sweet and fresh within minutes. Lavendar baby scent fills the air.

Soft blonde downy hair turns oily and darker with kisses, nuzzles, and pats.

Years later we will look back to your newborn furrows and frowns and recognize expressions you've had since birth. But we don't know those yet....not just yet.

And now is when we will begin the process of getting to know you, our best Christmas package of all.

Newborn: Breath of Heaven

2011-12-11T00:54:00.000-08:00

Capturing the essence of newborn...

First precious moments of life...we see you in those last moments of exiting the womb, yet before you are born, then out you come, your wet, warm body just expels from your home of 9 months, from all you have ever known and into your Mama's arms and to my breast where I continue to love, hold and nourish you. So fresh from being knit together in my womb by the very Creator of the universe!

Tiny, unsupported frame that pulls in to remain in the position you held for months on end....snuggled on my chest, feet tucked under your body, arms pulled in, head burrowed into my chest. You are warm. Here, you are at peace and appear completely comforted. In this place, I can sit for hours - trying to absorb your very essence....trying to embrace and remember forever what it feels like to hold this tiny life so close in my arms.

Little arms, legs, feet, and hands with jerky, flailing movements. Toes that spread wide in all directions, then scrunch in.......legs that kick out then pull in and tuck close to your body.

Eyes that first appear startled by the very world around you, day by day begin to stabilize, focus and be at peace.

Sneezes and wheezes; burps and toots; the gurgling of bowls; the clearing of airways; grunts and sporadic breaths; tiny "billy goat" noises that your Mama and Papa will never, ever forget.

Diaper changes that involve the entire outfit.

Cries that pierce the nerves of those around you, a fierce weapon against anyone who might forget your immediate needs. Sweet smelling and searching as your impatiently await your food. Frantic nursing as you first latch on before you realize you may drink your fill. Waking twice each night to fill your tiny belly. Eat, wake, sleep.....eat, wake, sleep.

Hours spent with Papa gently coaxing out the painful tummy aches by holding, rocking, walking, and cuddling.

Sweet smell, softest of skin, fuzzy hair, warm body.

Slowly changing, unnoticed, day by day.....

"It is not a slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us." - Charles Dickens

Waiting with Grace

2011-11-24T01:37:00.000-08:00

1:00am Thanksgiving morning. I thought for sure yesterday I was in labor.....contractions all during the day, culminating in a 45 minute walk with intense contractions every 2-3 minutes......until I came home and laid down, then they seemed to dissipate and mostly disappear. And....here I sit....debating whether or not to call it a night and turn in.

I am struck by the fact that this could indeed be my last night of pregnancy......ever. And, so, I wait patiently with my little Grace....enjoying her on the inside snuggling and squirming inside of me, and also eagerly anticipating her arrival to the outside world.

It is not lost on me, this most meaningful timing...whether or not she arrives on Thanksgiving Day, or chooses to wait a few more days. As we close this season of childbearing, it is not without significance that she will arrive in the season of Thanksgiving. These past seven years of pregnancies and childbearing have been full of joy, love, and laughter.....of God's greatest gifts being revealed to us through our four precious children. A mama at heart and by design, I both embrace these gifts and mourn for the season that is about to pass, yet I look forward with eager anticipation to what lies ahead for our little family. I have come to be thankful for the cozy little farmhouse God has provided us with, and realize that our family will have special and happy memories of life here, in and around this house. We will look back and remember the slapping of little hands and knees as our tiny ones began to crawl, then toddle, and the pitter patter of little feet as the two year olds took off with confidence. We'll likely always hear the hearty laughter and giggles of little children as they race around the house playing hide and seek or tag, the chatting and laughing upstairs long after the lights have been turned off. I'll hear the squeaking of the floorboards as Papa rocks Anna Ruth in the old rocking chair and sings Blessed Assurance to yet another child. I'll see the little boys sitting in stuffed Thomas the Train chairs, flanking their Papa as he leads the Ordway Family Prayer Council. I'll hear Jason's voice as he weaves the story of Hansel and Gretel the Two Cows, or he of me as I recount Annie's Adventures. We'll remember sneaking up the stairs to hear Caleb singing a mournful dirge or praying for 10 minutes on and on and on while Emet listens and interjects...We'll see two little boys racing their dumptrucks and bicycles up and down the gravel driveway and around the yard....children on the swingset...exploring the barn. Two little boys will remain in our hearts as they haul their load of wood up from the woodshed, increasingly with a little sister in tow. Had our nest been bigger or fancier, I'm not sure the experience would have been quite the same. And despite all of the times I have been frustrated by its simplicity and needs, I am beginning to see that life in this simple country home has been one of our biggest blessings.

And so, as I ponder these precious memories....in the passing of one season to another, I cling to my time here as I wait with Grace......and I am thankful for the Grace that has been given me.

Savoring this precious last...

2011-11-13T23:30:00.000-08:00

I have been wanting to capture a few thoughts of these last precious days while Grace is still inside of me. Thus, here I sit curled up on the couch in front of a cozy woodstove fire while the children are nestled in their beds, and Jason asleep beside me.

This pregnancy has been a special one, perhaps because Jason and I are planning for it to be our last, so I'm not taking much for granted.

One day in particular that I'll always remember is our big ultrasound. We were fortunate to have my parents as well as Grandma Marion and Ann Stolberg there with us in the ultrasound room. All of our children were there as well - Caleb, Emet, and Anna Ruth. As usual, Jason and I were alone for the medical portion of the ultrasound and for the first reveal of her gender. Then, we were able to bring everyone in... The children were delighted to see our newest family member on the screen, but what I hope to never forget was Anna Ruth's happy chuckle when she saw the baby move around on the screen as she sat cuddled in Papa's lap.....or how when the technician told everyone it was a girl, Caleb's first comment in his little matter of fact voice was "Now we have two little sisters to look out for....one for each of us...that's what I say!"

Although this pregnancy has been quite a bit more physically straining than my others, I have really made an effort to stop and enjoy the unique things my body does to nurture the baby and prepare for her birth. Soon, we will be meeting our newest baby girl, Grace....and we are all so excited for that day. Emet's frequent comment is "Oh, when is Gracie coming? I just can't wait to meet Gracie." Caleb always says, "I just can't wait to hold Gracie." And, little Anna Ruth points to her car seat, now installed and ready in the car, or her diapers...ready and waiting in Mama's night stand, and says "Baby?".

Yet for now, I am absolutely in love with watching her wriggle and squirm inside of me......and squirm she does! She has been my most active baby by far. I can actually feel certain body parts poking about - a little bottom, knees, and maybe even her little feet.

My body is weary and ready for her to be born, but my heart is treasuring this time...and savoring these last few days of experiencing life inside of me.......

"In everything, give thanks...." 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Disguised treasures...

2011-10-22T00:49:00.000-07:00

As we prepare to welcome our fourth child into our home, my organizational nesting instincts have kicked in as usual. Thus, here I sit, late into the night purging and filing stacks of paper. In a house with little children, there is more paper than one might imagine.....Most days, the boys go to the dining room table with several pieces of construction paper and a box of colored pens. Time and again, they wander into the kitchen to find me and show me their creations "Mama!!! Look at what I've drawn!".....oddly shaped and barely recognizable pictures in monotonous colors drawn onto each piece of paper.

One would think it easy enough, given my stacks and stacks of these drawings, to keep a couple and toss the rest. But, here's my dilemma: A mama sees so much more than those little misshapen pictures. I see the big searching eyes behind the drawing, standing expectantly, if a little shyly, awaiting my approval. "Mama, I made this just for you and Papa. Do you see what I have made? Is it special to you? Am I?"

During this stage of life, it is so easy to be overwhelmed. I am constantly fighting the battle of little toys, shoes, clothes, books, game and puzzle pieces, and coloring supplies. We have more "clean up sessions" than I'd like to count, and sometimes the house is still cluttered at the end of the day. Sticky messes and spills abound, accompanied by apologetic faces and "Uh ohs". Days full of school, play, spills, and accidents lead to several sets of clothes needing to be washed each day, in addition to the countless cups, bowls, plates and silverware we use during our meals and snacks. Nights are rounded out by newly training "self bathers", which leads to another stack of towels used to mop up the floors after each shower or bath. Thus, part of me wants to take the entire stack of "art" and shove it in the recycle bin, or wood-stove, whichever is closest.

The other part of me, however, hears a ticking clock.....the same clock that has tick-tocked it's way through the first six years of our lives as parents....and keeps ticking. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Time is passing....away, away. The pitter patter of little feet quickly turns to thuds and stomps....then feet that walk away into the future that awaits them. These little art projects that seem to come in overwhelming abundance now will begin to slow....then fade away, until one day, I will be overjoyed to receive a rare note in the mail from my child. What seems like an endless supply of homely construction paper art, I might one day regard as treasure. Memories will flood my heart as I look at the hastily scrawled drawing by Caleb of a Papa holding swords in both hands.....or of Emet's race track.....or of the Pooh Bear, Eeyore, and Tiger Caleb drew as a decoration for their pirate Pooh bear birthday party. I will see the pride and eager anticipation of a little boy's heart, and I will lovingly cling to my memories.

So you see? I can't throw away this treasure. I will attempt to file it away in binders as I can. It may be here in abundance now, seeming to choke out my very sanity as it clutters counter tops and refrigerator doors, but one day, it may be far more valuable to me than gold.

"In everything, give thanks..." 1 Thessalonians 5:18

thankful to be rich

2011-09-30T21:22:00.000-07:00

A friend posted a thought today...."What if we woke up tomorrow morning and only had the things we remembered to thank God for today?"

In the wee hours of this morning, I lay awake in bed, waiting for sleep but having a hard time drifting there due both to the sharp little pokes, prods, kicks and nudges from the little one inside of me. And in those moments, I was so thankful. ...So thankful that the Creator of the Universe was hard at work inside of me, knitting together yet another precious life. We plan for this to be our last pregnancy, so in the midst of what has been a more difficult pregnancy for me, I am trying to treasure the experience of life inside one last time. Nothing compares.

This morning as Jason got ready for work, he helped me get out of bed to go to the bathroom, then helped me back and tucked me into our big down comforter, kissed me, then left for work. How blessed I am to be so tenderly cared for. Later in the afternoon, we exchanged e-mails about how to approach what is normally our sacred Friday family night. We ended up deciding to part ways for the evening, but both of us would rather have been together. For this sweet romance, I am so thankful.

Earlier today, I picked up Caleb from Kindergarten. There he sat next to his teacher on the curb waiting for me to come get him. As he saw me, his eyes lit up and he seemed to forget his newly found status as a big Kinder-gardener "Mama!" he happily cried out and came to give me a big squeeze. And my heart was thankful.

Today, I spoke with my both of my parents on the phone at one point or another.....parents who are always encouraging me, always praying for me, always helping me to live out my faith despite my struggles. For them and the great spiritual legacy they are leaving to me, I am so very thankful.

After naptime today, Emet came downstairs and straight to the couch where I sat. All he cared to do was snuggle next to his Mama and be held close. What a privilege to be the one he wants to hold him close.

Tonight, Jason and the boys are having a boys night at the Columbia River High School football game. Anna Ruth and I stayed home to have a relaxing girls night. It's been a while since I've had just her, and the only noise in the house was her little sing-song voice, babbling and singing happily away. I couldn't understand much of what she said at all, but she seemed to be perfectly content and delighted. We shared hot cocoa on the couch and read stories then headed upstairs for the bedtime routine she and Papa normally share. More books were read, songs were sung in the rocking chair under the stars of her nightlight, and I held her and prayed with tears streaming down my cheeks. I asked her for a hug, and she put her arms around me and held on tight. We rocked back and forth.....back and forth.....and she never let go. I was so thankful to have that moment all to myself, just my little girl and I.

How is it that I am so blessed? More so, how is it that I so often fret and worry over every day life basics - houses, cars, finances, etc, when I hold a bounty of treasure in my very arms....in my heart.

If I woke tomorrow, and all I had was the things I stopped to be thankful for today...I would be ok. I would be more than ok. I would be rich. I am rich.

that factory...

2011-09-29T22:31:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the Cheesecake Factory and the Spaghetti Factory, our children now refer to restaurants as "Factories". A typical question from either Caleb or Emet is phrased..."Can we sometime go to that factory where they serve......(insert - pancakes, ice cream, etc.)?" :-)

I think that's called....

2011-09-29T22:23:00.000-07:00

We shared one of those joyous family moments tonight. I couldn't pass up recording it.

We have a copy of Lennart Nilsson's book LIFE, in which an endoscope was used to take pictures of the entire process of life's creation from the sperm and egg meeting to baby's birth. With each child, we have used this book as a tool to teach them about the baby growing inside of Mama and to affirm the life that grows inside.

Tonight, Emet asked if we could all look at "the Baby book", as we call it, so we got down the book and turned to the pictures of the later stages of pregnancy. Needless to say, a book like this can lead to a few interesting conversations, and although we are fairly open with the children, there is still a need to simplify the "creation process" for our young audience.

One of the pictures shows a full view of the baby inside at 26 weeks, including its gender identifiers. One picture is of a girl, the other of a boy. Emet innocently pointed to the girl's part and asked if that was her penis. "No", Papa corrected, "that's a little girl." Caleb chimed in with all of his 5 year old wisdom, "No, Emet. I think that's called a peninsula." :-)

Jason and I burst out in laughter, then the boys followed (not really knowing what was funny), but I think we all laughed for about 5 minutes, complete with tears running down our cheeks. Oh to be 5 again!

First Week of Kindergarten: Part II

2011-09-08T23:45:00.000-07:00

How could I forget?!

Verdict #3: "I like Kindergarten, but it's not the same as being home with Mama."

Ah, how I love that little boy!

First Week of Kindergarten

2011-09-08T23:41:00.000-07:00

Verdict #1: Caleb's response to school: "I like Kindergarten. It's awesome!"

Verdict #2: Caleb is just like his Papa: When asked to tell me about his day, his first response is..."I can't remember anything." Then, as time goes on - details start to pop up here and there, with a few popping up several days after the fact. :-)

Dropping him off was easy......until I started to walk away from the classroom. Then tears, from out of nowhere, started to flood my eyes. But, for the sake of the oncoming children and parents - I held them in. I think Jason felt the same way.

Here are a few pictures from his first day of school.....ever.....

Getting ready to leave the house

The family.....en route

Arriving at school

Here we are!

Looking for his name on the backpack lineup

Mama with her babies

We looked up to see Jason had made a surprise visit!! Family picture...

Facing the world on his own, with Tiny Tiger by his side...friends since birth

After his first class. Success!!

Back at home.....life does go on...

enjoying the last bits of summer

Transitions

2011-09-06T23:42:00.000-07:00

Today was an ordinary weekday for this Mama and her babies, except that it was a little bitter-sweet. Today was the last day before Caleb starts Kindergarten. My first baby bird beginning to spread his wings, about to flutter out of the nest for a few hours each day.

There's nothing too abnormal in this, right? We do it every Sunday as he goes off to his Sunday school classes. But for me it signifies something much greater. Today was the very last day I will have all of my children at home with me, under my constant care, without a schedule of their own. Tomorrow begins the next 13-17+ years of Caleb's life in school.

Two little boys that have played side by side, day by day, since either of them can remember will henceforth be separated more and more over time, starting.....Tomorrow. The years of the mighty yellow dump trucks will soon be a distant memory. Tonight seemed especially joyful and boisterous as my two little naked boys raced around the house before their showers playing "spanking tag". Happy giggles abounded. Then Caleb stepped into the shower all by himself for the second time. He's growing up.

There have been plenty of tears from my tender hearted Caleb in the past few days, likely related to school. He says he doesn't want to be away from home, away from his Mama. He asked me today if he would still want to snuggle with me when he was in high school. I told him probably not, and that made him sob. It made me cry too.

It seemed like just yesterday we were thinking ahead to when Caleb would go to school, saying "We still have a few years to figure it out." Tomorrow. ........It was a moment ago I contemplated the decision to lay aside my career and stay at home full time, at least until my children were in school. And boy, did that time seem like an eternity. Tomorrow. Where did the time go? Away.

My mom told me once that's the thing about time. The days drag on, while the years slip away. I hope I am learning. I hope I am loving. I hope I have absorbed every minute of every day of these precious years at home with my babies.

It struck me today, since I'm pregnant with what we assume will be our last child, that I, Lord willing, have exactly that amount of time left with my youngest....the same amount of time I had with Caleb at home. And though some days may drag on, it will be gone......Tomorrow.

Do I regret my decision to stay at home? Never. You can't buy back time, no matter how much money you have....and I wouldn't trade any single minute with my son. Before I know it, they will all be gone.....living and experiencing life on their own. Time will disappear like water pours through my hand, and someday soon that day will be.....Tomorrow.

Sweet blessings to you, my dear Caleb, from this Mama's sad heart. I am excited for your future and am trying so hard to have open hands. God bless you, my dear sweet bug.

Blueberry Squicking

2011-08-25T16:21:00.000-07:00

Yep - you read that right.....the children, Grandma Marion and I went blueberry squicking today. As you might imagine, our adventure started like most others of the sort. We had planned a day of blueberry picking. Carrying their buckets, the children scampered along the rows until we finally reached our assigned rows of 26 - 28. At first, it seemed as if each bush was laden with blueberry treasure. However, as is human nature, after a short while of picking in the hot sun, the next row always looked more full of blueberries than the one we were on.

The boys each carried their own bucket, Emet stopping about every 20 blueberries to show us how many were in his bucket. This year Caleb was pretty focused on making sure he filled his bucket as full as possible all on his own. Anna Ruth didn't carry any bucket but the round tummy that was quickly filling with blueberries as she went along. All ate their fair share of blueberries, however...including Mama and Grandma Marion.

As we neared the 3 hour mark, we were all tired, sweaty and sunburned...but we picked on, knowing Anna Ruth had a limited amount of time remaining. I looked over to check on my little blueberry muffin to see that she had changed her tactics and was now leaning over my 3 gallon bucket of blueberries eating directly from the freshly picked pile. A few minutes later, I glanced over to see that she was no longer eating but was digging her hands into the blueberry treasure, taking little fist fulls and squishing them! Yikes! I was able to divert her back to the bush, then continued my picking. Glancing over once again after a period of prolonged silence, I saw she was back at the bucket....but this time, she had tipped the almost full bucket over, spilled them onto the ground, and was now happily putting them back into the bucket. Arg! I went over to once again divert her and pick up the treasure. As I was frantically picking them up, she had toddled over to another small bucket, picked it up, and had added it to my now growing pile of blueberries on the ground. I was starting to get overwhelmed by my inability to stop the blueberry tornado. Ah, but the fun had not yet ended....not for Anna Ruth! I tried to heave my sore pregnant hips from their crouched position in order to physically remove her from the scene, but before I could do this, Anna Ruth had discovered the joy of blueberry stomping....yes, just like they do with grapes, but the goal here wasn't blueberry wine. By now, I had collapsed back onto my rear (the getting up wasn't so successful) and was laughing along with everyone else. Grandma Marion came over to help me salvage our, now twice picked crop and get the remainder into the buckets before any other disaster befell them.

All in all, we ended up with about 25lbs of blueberries and a whole ton of memories!

Goodbye little road grater and snow plow....You will be missed.

2011-08-25T16:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the children and I went through all of their toys, bin by bin, until we had sorted out all of the broken toys and those that were no longer being used. We discussed how with our little house and another baby on the way, in addition to the toys they would likely receive from their upcoming birthdays and at Christmas time, we needed to declutter. We talked about how there are many little children that are not as privileged as our family has been that would love playing with the toys they no longer used.

Caleb came downstairs with each addition to the give-away pile and explained why he was or perhaps was not going to add it to the donation pile. At the end of the experience, we had 2 bags of broken bits and a big box of toys to donate. All felt accomplished........that is until Caleb proudly told Papa about what they had done that day. He announced that had had given away his road grater and snow plow. A sad look came over Jason's face. I know he remembered playing with the boys and the road grater and snow plow. But, he said nothing.

Today, we went by the Goodwill to drop of our box of toys. After dropping them off, Caleb said he felt bad about himself for giving away his toys. As I worked this through with him, he started to mention the road grater and snow plow and how much he really liked them and wished he hadn't given them away. The funny thing is, I completely understood. It was as if the process of giving these favored toys away was a process of saying goodbye once again.......goodbye to the two little boys excitedly awaiting Papa's return from work so they could play with their favorite cars and toys on the living room floor, which, of course, included the road grater and snow plow. Sure, now they have moved on to excitedly await Papa's return so they can play tag, soccer or football outside....or play a game on Papa's phone...but the road grater and snow plow are no more.

I felt like weeping. I nearly, and I'm not kidding you here, drove back through the Goodwill drop off to see if our box was still unloaded.....tell them we had made a mistake and put a favorite toy inside.......and could we please have it back.

In the end, I decided to let it go.....to open my clenched fist and say goodbye once again, so that there would be room for the next special treasure that would take it's place. However, in the meantime.....I can say this: Goodbye little road grater and snow plow. You will be missed.

Gone Fishin'

2011-08-21T00:48:00.000-07:00

(From Papa)

I decided this year to make time to take the boys fishing. So, in May I purchased a $35 license and set it in what I thought was a reasonably safe place. More on that later. Advance several months to a screaming busy work schedule, social life, house remodel, wood for the winter, broken down everything...and still no fishing. To avoid another missed chance to share the joy, this Saturday morning was determined to be THE day. We were going fishing. In order to make getting little boys out of bed at 0545 easier, I got them jazzed up about the whole idea and mentioned the bakery might be open before the fish were awake. The parenting joy was in full tilt as we listened to Caleb and Emet in their bunk beds discussing the finer points of sneaking up on fish.

Early that evening I had realized that my grandpa's fishing gear and the pole he had given me were in bad shape. A gracious coworker stayed late and we oiled reels and put on new line. But three fishermen and two poles just wouldn't do. So off to Bi-mart for a new rod and reel. Even on sale, I rang up another $30. After the kids were in bed, the preparation continued by carefully setting up the new pole, tying hooks and swivels, and getting everything into the truck.

At midnight, I thought I would look for the fishing license that I had purchased in May. At 0130 we determined it was gone...filed, thrown out, or organized.....didn't matter, just gone. Now fishing in the morning was a mission.

0545, dizzy with tiredness, I tucked in little sister and went to wake the boys. Caleb greeted me with open eyes and "Papa, I've been awake." Emet shared in my morning grogginess. Caleb, seeing that all of the fish were going to be caught before we got to the lake at the pace that I was going, showed incredible maturity and encouragement. He got and helped me put on my shoes and reminded us that "we're going fishing today."
Even a very tired Papa was motivated by an enthusiastic little helper.

The gate to the lake opened at 0630. The new fishing license would have to wait until 0700. We were not going to get the jump we were hoping for. Even still, coffee and donuts can fix a lot of disappointment at that early hour.

The bakery was closed.

Ok, we'll get some gas and Starbuck's coffee and wait until the store opens. Five more dollars.

The lady behind the counter at Fred Meyer kindly explained the $20 fee that I would need to pay for the reissue of the fishing license. We were on a mission...

License and coffee in hand, the 1979 Dodge crew-cab gassed up, and we finally head for the lake. The recent repairs to the truck were not sufficient to keep us from spending a few minutes on the side of the road. I briefly contemplated quickly darting over and grabbing the suburban. No, we were on a mission. A few exciting backfires and rolling starts later, we finally got to the lake and pay the $10 dollar parking fee. We walked down to the lake, each with pole in hand, and I finally felt the stress from the work week and the fishing mission start to dissipate. Papa left the new bait in the truck. Ok, we tried the salmon eggs that were purchased before Caleb was born. They worked.

The boys intently looked for each move of the bobber, and we grappled with three perch. Their concentration level was not high, but neither was mine. One for Caleb and two for Emet.

All tolled, the Ordway fishing mission cost about $50 an hour and surely sent some of Papa's brown hair to gray. But spending special time with my boys and seeing the results causes me to think there are more missions in store.....

Poop

2011-08-14T00:26:00.000-07:00

(From Jason)

In the middle of getting dinner at the fair, Emet exclaimed, "Papa I've gotta poop"....false alarm #1; Stuck in traffic leaving the fair, Emet once again says, "Papa, I've got to go poop NOW" (insert crying, panicking). We drive to the nearest gas station and I rush into the Honeybucket with him (Emet officially declares "I still have to go, but I'm all out of poop") ...false alarm #2; 30 minutes later while giving Anna Ruth her bath, Emet frantically rips off his clothes and RUNS for the bathroom, poop squirting out as he goes (kitchen, bathroom floor, my foot, and last but not least....the toilet.) Thank you sweet wife for cleaning my foot while I continued giving Anna Ruth her bath.

Celebrating 10 years with my best friend.....my life is beautiful

2011-08-12T01:17:00.000-07:00

Ten years ago tonight, I married my best friend. The amazing part is, as much as I loved Jason then, I couldn't have imagined how much I would love him now.

Anyone who knows my Jason knows just what a privilege it is to be his friend. He is loyal and honorable.....a man of his word. He encourages and supports, yet challenges, as iron sharpens iron. I've seen him come alongside strong men of great stature and strength, and when they falter or fear....he encourages gently as if they were a child in need of a father. And they are comforted. His name means Healer and Hero. He has been that to many others. Can you imagine what an honor it has been for me to be his wife, closest friend, and mother of his children?

Ten years ago, Jason committed to love me as Christ loved the church. No, he hasn't been perfect, no one is, but it has been a humbling experience to see this man of integrity in action and to experience his love for me.

We've learned a lot together on our journey thus far. We've built a toolbox, and have collected a fair amount of tools which we can pull out when things need to be built or repaired. We have a long ways to go. To that end, we are ever thankful for the large network of family and friends who are walking alongside us on our journey. What a blessing and support they have been in our lives! And to God above who has guided and protected us each and every step of the way.........

Ten years ago, we celebrated our union on a perfect August evening surrounded by the lush gardens of my parents' home in Port Orchard, WA. Swing music and stars filled the night air.....and dreams danced in our hearts.

Tonight, we celebrated ten years of our union on a perfect August evening surrounded by our three children (and baby girl still inside) at the Clark County Fair in Vancouver, WA. Carnival music and lights filled the night air....and dreams danced in the hearts of our little ones....and thus in our hearts too. We had a wonderful time together as a family. I couldn't think of a more perfect way to celebrate.

Our life is a beautiful life, filled with so much love, joy, and life. We have been truly blessed.

Jason and Ann....newly married

Radiant with joy...the quads just came out to race.

Snuggles with Mama.

My sweet family

10 years and he still takes my breath away

Mama with her 4 babies

Papa and his little Ru

My boys....side by side, as usual

Soul deep: Emet staring at the Ferris Wheel after first learning he was 1 inch too short to ride this year

Jason and Ann....10 years married...forever in love

We were dreaming then......still dreaming now...

I love you, Jason. May God grant you to me until our last breaths on earth.

The Money Hunt....

2011-08-09T23:53:00.000-07:00

Today, I sat down with the boys to count the change in our "Family Bank", a little glass jar in which we deposit change we see floating around the house. The money is being saved for a trip to Disneyland. (Something tells me most families with small children have a similar jar and purpose...)

We had accumulated a total of $39.22. When I told Caleb this put our fund total to about $175, Caleb was amazed. I'm guessing he thought we were about ready to get on the plane!

I took the opportunity as a teaching moment and explained that while we already had airline miles and hotel points to cover our fees in those areas, we'd probably have to spend about $1000 on park entry tickets and another $1000 on food and spending.

Caleb's response was priceless: "Wow! Mama.....we have GOT to come up with a plan. We need to go on a money hunt!" :-)

Life Inside

2011-07-17T01:34:00.000-07:00

It's 1:15 am, and I've spent the last hour sleepless, staring at the wall in our dark bedroom, Jason soundly asleep beside me.

As I lay there, I feel the kicks and squirms of the baby inside of me, and it dawns on me afresh: there is life inside of me. A child with ten tiny fingers and toes, with a personality, spirit, and future of her own is being knit together even as I lay in my bed. She is being knit together in my womb by the very Creator of the universe....maker of Heaven and earth! This very child inside of me is so cared for and loved that every hair on her head is counted and loved by God himself! Her talents and skills, He is weaving into her very being right now......because she is His design.....His workmanship. She is being created on purpose, for a purpose. How am I so blessed to have been chosen as a vessel for the creation of life?! Four times, I have had the honor and privilege to be part of the creation process. Three precious souls I have come to know, love and cherish because of this.

As I lay there pondering all of this, the verse clearly came to me: "Do you not know that you are a temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?" (1 Corinthians 3:16)

I find it interesting how God uses our lives to teach us the things we need to know. However, there it is...plainly laid out before me: We ALL have life inside of us. That concept has always seemed rather illusive to me, but as I lay in the dark pondering my fourth pregnancy, it seems as clear as day. The baby inside of me is far more than just a physical life......just as my other children Caleb, Emet, and Anna Ruth are unique...each their own. Just as I am unique and you are. We are spiritual beings, and the Spirit of God dwells within us. I have had the benefit of God teaching me this lesson through a physical process, but each of us is no less full of life than I.

This child inside of me knows nothing but instinctively to allow the Creator to mold and shape her, trusting without thought.....and so too are we to be in Christ. The process does not end at birth! We are not to be carried away by the worries of this world but are to live His purpose knowing we were created on purpose, for a purpose.

O LORD, You have searched me and known me.

2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. 3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways. 4 Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O LORD, You know it all. 5 You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high, I cannot attain to it. 7 Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? 8 If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. 9 If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, 10 Even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will lay hold of me. 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,” 12 Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You. 13 For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. 14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. 15 My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; 16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them. 17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! 18 If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You. 19 O that You would slay the wicked, O God; Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed. 20 For they speak against You wickedly, And Your enemies take Your name in vain. 21 Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD? And do I not loathe those who rise up against You? 22 I hate them with the utmost hatred; They have become my enemies. 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; 24 And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.

Psalm 139

Friday Night Football Ordway Style

2011-07-15T23:25:00.000-07:00

After a week of Jason working 16+ hour days, having him home by 6pm, eating our traditional Friday night Little Caesars $5 Hot and Ready Pizza dinner, and playing football together outside in the driveway was a lot of fun for all of us. Everyone played except for Sampson, our cat! Papa, Mama, and Ru Bear vs Caleb and Emet. Greta was the referee? (sort of?) Here are a few photos from the big game...

The Carnival

2011-07-14T14:40:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke to the sound of little elephants tromping above my head. Caleb had taken it upon himself to get Anna Ruth out of her crib when she awoke. (This was a first.)

As I wandered into the kitchen to make a special breakfast of Belgian waffles, the troops came downstairs and went to work straight away on using ALL of their legos to build a variety of weapons (swords, axes, pistols and rifles). It has been fun to watch Anna Ruth in the past few days plant herself in the middle of all of her big brothers' activities.

After breakfast, I headed upstairs and the boys informed me that after my shower, "the carnival" would be ready. They had been working since they awoke to set it up. It wasn't quite ready, but I got to sit at the top of the stairs to wait. After a few false starts, the big moment finally arrived: the carnival was open!!!

I was invited to come in and told I could look around, then I was to sit on the stools and shoot at the targets. I needed to shoot all three targets down (Batman, Superman, and Batmite) and had unlimited chances. There would be two rounds of the game, each with a different gun. I had unlimited ammo and no time limit. Oh yeah, and the game was free to play`. (Boy, this was my kind of carnival!) The prize dispersal rules were strict: I would get a prize for each figurine knocked down. Caleb would choose the first prize, then I could choose the second and third.

In the end I won all six prizes, and the boys took turns taking pictures of me. I can't say how many rounds I shot, or how many times Caleb reminded me that I needed to "cycle the action" after each shot. A lot.

Following the game, it was time to dress up. My options were blue bunny ears, a Larry Boy hat, or a spider man mask. I could choose two. I chose the bunny ears and Larry Boy hat, which I then shared with Sissy. We got our pictures taken again, then it was on to the exhibition hall where I could look at a Lincoln Log cabin, constructed special just for me or a display of the earlier assembled lego weaponry.

Finally, Caleb announced that the carnival was over and they began the cleanup process. Since then, there have been at least 50 arguments, several giggle sessions, a rousing game of "Narnians" outside as the boys marched with their stick swords and knives, and a sticky mess of peanut butter and honey sandwiches and spilled milk. Breakfast dishes are still on the counter, beds are unmade, laundry remains unfolded and unwashed, and the house is a general mess. And yet, here I sit, carving out time to capture the carnival. Overall, it's lining up to be a fairly unproductive day as far as the planner and housework tasks are concerned. However, I'm guessing in the long run, these are the days I'll remember as being the most productive of all.

2011-07-04T23:41:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those long summer days full to the brim of lots of everything and nothing in particular.

We started the day meeting Jason at the end of his Independence Day Race in Ridgefield, WA....(in which I can proudly say he came in 3rd overall and 1st in his age group!!!) Next, after a long line, was the Firefighters Associate Pancake Breakfast at the Community Center. It was well worth the wait to see the boys happily devouring their stacks of pancakes loaded with syrup. We walked to the park, then rushed over to catch the beginning of the parade, for which we found a front row spot. It was pure joy to watch the boys practice their manners while politely waving side by side in their matching t-shirts, yelling out "Over here, please!" Even Anna Ruth would wave from Papa's arms. I think they scored more candy from the parade than at Halloween. Someone gave them a little bucket, and while they collected candy, Anna Ruth happily organized the candy back and forth from the diaper bag into the bucket and back. They even got a few "neck-a-lasses", as Caleb would explain. Caleb commented at one point, "This parade is really enjoyable." :-) Following the parade, we strolled the town, and went to the playground to watch the boys play while Anna Ruth once again organized the candy. Lunch of gyros and pizza came next, followed by cotton candy and red, white, and blue shortcakes. (Caleb earned his by knowing the first president, and Emet by telling Papa the colors of the flag on his shirt. Orange, white and blue were a close first!)

As we sat in the shade on the lawn, a midst the chaos of the crowd, Jason and I commented how much fun we were having. Funny, considering all we were doing was wandering around together as a family absorbing the day with no agenda in particular. Or just maybe that's the point. You can't really "fit in" fun. You just have to really be where you are at.....no time-slots, no to-do list running in the back of your head. Jason commented, "You know? I think if you can just be here in the midst of this and just enjoy it, you've arrived."

After coming home, we took a leisurely afternoon nap, ate PB&J for dinner, rode quads, and after putting Anna Ruth to bed, the rest of us went out and played 2 on 2 football in the driveway. Papa and Mama vs Caleb and Emet. We shared some good laughs watching Emet tear off with the ball in the wrong direction, the boys needing to change from a green ball to a red ball in the middle of the game (one was Emet's...one Caleb's), or Mama waddling in for a touchdown. Most of all, it was just plain fun.

After bath time, we watched a few fireworks outside before heading upstairs for snuggles. Just before heading inside from the fireworks, Caleb said to me, "Mama. I really enjoyed sitting out here with you and watching the fireworks. Thank you for inviting me." Ah, how this made my Mama's heart smile.

Tomorrow begins the long summer work days at Mt Hood for Jason, and consequently some long days for the children and I. But this was one of those days we can ride on for a while, a bit of refreshment to prepare us for the journey ahead. And for this, I am thankful. It is another experience to treasure in my heart, even if my camera was absent.

Another last in a new beginning

2011-06-29T00:47:00.000-07:00

Our big ultrasound was yesterday, during which we found out we are having a healthy little girl. Wow!! Big news!! Huge!! In fact, this is basically the culmination of our family planning. If someone had asked us to look to our future and pick the perfect family, we would have said "Well, it would be really wonderful to have 4 children....2 girls and 2 boys." And now, that's what we'll have. Two boys, followed by two girls. I couldn't have arranged it better myself.

You would think I would be beside myself with excitement....absolutely ecstatic! I am pleased, don't get me wrong. The very second the words were out of the ultrasound technician's mouth, a tear of joy was running down my cheek. Yet, here I sit, almost in a state of shock, pondering it all.

It makes me think of the time leading up to a wedding. You get so caught up in the excitement and nervous energy that builds up. The wedding day itself becomes this pinnacle....a high peak for which you have striven for years, spinning to a near frenzy in those final weeks and days. When this appointed day arrives, it spins by in a blur, and at the end you are married. It feels surreal to be sure. Then you whisk away on a honeymoon vacation that prolongs the abnormal, but a few weeks later - there you are, back in a day to day reality. Yes, your hopes and dreams are all before you, just as they were. Yet, now you live them out day by day, just like everyone else. Is it exciting? Sure! But the wrapping has now been taken off of the gift. Because, you now are officially married. Christmas morning has passed, and you're cleaning up the wrapping paper, staring at your new presents and wondering what to do with them. The illusive concept of marriage is no longer an unknown. Of course, this says nothing about the many adventures, joys and challenges that you will face together. But passing from singleness to marriage? Done.

Well, I think I'm in a similar state. Jason and I have always spoken of having four children two years apart. We dreamed about how fun it would be to have two boys and two girls. But, that was always just a dream....an unknown for which we knew God was aware of, but of which we didn't want to beg for our way. After all, His way is better and higher than ours, right? How our family would turn out was the big unknown. Yet, here we are, a family of six. All of the cards are on the table. Two boys and two girls. All two years apart, within a month. Wow. The lead up time has passed, and now our future lies ahead of us. That pinnacle of the unknown has passed. Our ultrasound yesterday was that moment.

But now, other emotions are kicking in. Jason's first and steady reaction yesterday was a heavy heart for his baby girl, Anna Ruth. She is no longer the littlest one, the only girl......Papa's only little girl. "Where is her special place now?" he wonders. He was jealous for her, and clung to his little Anna Ruth yesterday.

As for me, I am in somewhat of a stunned silence about it all. As much as I had hoped for a little girl, I am now mourning the fact that I will no longer be the Mama to a baby boy. I have experienced all of the one year and two year landmarks of a baby boy that I'm going to experience in my life as a Mama. I have loved being a Mama to my Caleb and Emet, and it's hard to let go and say goodbye of that stage in my life. Good bye to the little train pajamas I loved so much. Goodbye to the favorite overalls and football shirts my babies will not wear again.....the fireman rainboots and raincoats, the beloved footed pajamas. I can clearly see each of my boys in those clothes, and up until now, I haven't had to say goodbye. As I would tuck each little item into the bin, I would be sad to know it was not to be worn by Caleb or Emet again, but there was always a possibility that we would use them again for another little baby boy. And now, that door has closed.

I know I can pass these things on to friends who will use them, and that brings me happiness. We certainly benefited from the hand-me-downs of others who no doubt shared similar attachments to their belongings. However, I believe at the heart of the issue, it is not about the clothes at all. It is about moving on. Change. The plain and simple fact is, change is hard.....even good change. It doesn't really matter how much you anticipated or desired it.

If you've read my blog much at all, you know that I tend to cling to things. In a sense, we probably all do. When God gives me a gift, I want to hold on tight with all I have in me. Yet, God teaches us in scripture to keep open hands. He gives and He takes away. Gives and takes away. I have just experienced a giving and taking away in a single moment of time. I have been given a healthy baby girl, and have lost the opportunity to be the Mama to a baby boy. I will get to experience the joys of raising two little girls together, just as I have, and still am, raising two little boys. It will be a different experience altogether. This I already can tell in how different Anna Ruth is from her brothers.

Ironically, all of these feelings of moving on and closure is based on a decision that Jason and I have made together to stop having children after this baby arrives. I guess in that sense, we are a part of the closing of the door. And, though it is not in our plans, we are open to whomever God may clearly place in our family's path, if that situation ever occurs. Yet, that is part of that unknown future. What we know now is what we are working through.....rejoicing and weeping at the same time.

"O LORD my God, you have performed many wonders for us. Your plans for us are too numerous to list. You have no equal. If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them." Psalm 40:5

God can do anything....even dance ballet!

2011-06-07T23:24:00.000-07:00

Tonight during bedtime, Jason chose to read the story of Hezekiah to the boys. Afterwards, he said.."Did you hear that boys? The prophet Isaiah told King Hezekiah that God said he would die, yet King Hezekiah prayed and God extended his life. That was a powerful prayer, wasn't it?" In a very knowing voice, Caleb replied: "Well, Papa, God can do ANYTHING! I learned that in a song. He could probably even dance ballet!" :-)

Boy, that's sure a good song...

2011-06-07T01:04:00.000-07:00

Last night, we were finishing up our bedtime snuggle routine with the boys. Jason has sung hymns with the children since they were tiny babies, so last night I asked if we could sing Blessed Assurance as a family. There is nothing sweeter to my heart than to hear 4 voices in 4 different keys singing along together. Listening to a choir singing in such a way would drive me to distraction. However, as our little family sings together, it's as if the very sounds themselves bond us together in a way that seems almost tangible. For those moments, we are one before God as a family, and His very presence can be felt.

As the song came to a close, there was silence. Then Caleb's little voice began to sing Jesus loves me, so we all joined in. Again, silence, followed by Caleb shakily starting to sing Jesus Loves the Little Children. He and I sang that one alone. We finished the song, and he snuggled in closer to me. Following another minute of quiet, Caleb said, "Boy, that's sure a good song." "What makes you say that, Caleb?" I asked. He replied, "I just like how Jesus loves all of the children of the world."

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

It's Just a Little Wooden Rocking Chair....

2011-05-27T14:24:00.000-07:00

It's nothing special to look at. Just a little wooden rocking chair that fits in a corner of Anna Ruth's small room. I picked it up at a local antique store for $40. Its history is unknown save for the obvious fact that it has been well used. The finish on the arms is worn smooth by many hours of hands resting there as the chair rocked back and forth, back and forth.

Anna Ruth is now just over 18 months old, and we've had that little chair now for about six months. As our life got busier and routines more complicated, we found ourselves continuing our bed time routine with our little boys each night, complete with stories, Bible time, singing and cuddling. But, the littlest member of the family, we carried upstairs and laid into bed with nothing more than a kiss and a nighttime prayer. When the boys were babies, we had rocked them each night and read stories and sang. However, there was no chair in Anna Ruth's room. My heart hurt when I realized what was happening, so off to the antique store I went to find a rocking chair that would fit in her tiny space.

As I sit in her room each afternoon rocking back and forth, looking out the window at our budding peach tree while she snuggles in my lap - always facing out, thumb in mouth and owlie tucked into her arm, I am grateful for this little rocking chair. It met a great need of the moment......it stopped a childhood from passing without memories for daughter or parents of special cuddle times at bedtime.....it provides a place for bonding where there was none before. It allows me to find myself lost in thought as I gently nuzzle my face in Ru's soft, lavender scented hair and rock back and forth, back and forth. And in this place, I am at peace - soaking in those precious fleeting moments of being able to rock my baby girl.

No, it isn't much to look at. It wouldn't have been what I chose out of a magazine. But I am so very thankful for how fully and completely it meets our needs. Sometimes we are blessed with amazing things, and sometimes we are blessed with ordinary things that through reflection become truly amazing.

my heart is like a camera

2011-05-10T23:00:00.000-07:00

It's hard to capture the depth of one's emotion or to really and truly know just how someone feels. Children tend to be more transparent than adults, for they haven't yet learned to mask or restrain what pours forth from their deepest joys and sorrows. Yet they too can surprise you and keep you guessing.

Tonight was my night to snuggle with Caleb. So, up in the top bunk right under the ceiling we cuddled talking about various things from our day, about our blessings and about how much Caleb loves everyone in our family. He was quiet for a while, then with a shaky voice and a stream of tears, he turned to me and buried his face into my hair and sobbed. He was able to feebly tell me how he doesn't want me to become a Grandma or Papa to become a Grandpa because he loves us so much and doesn't want us to die and go to heaven, because then he won't see us at all. Of course, by now, I was crying too and holding my baby boy as close as I could. I tried to comfort both of us by reminding him of the fact that once we were all in heaven, there would be no more death or tears, and that we would never be separated again.....ever, so our most important goal was to make sure we got to heaven by having Jesus in our hearts.

As we both quieted down, I looked over to see Caleb staring off into the distance. He finally said, "In Narnia, the White Witch told Edmond she would always be alive in his mind. What does that mean? How could she always be alive?" I told him that she was an evil character and was trying to scare Edmond. I then explained, however, that our memories allow us to remember special times and people long after they have passed away. I told him with tears about my own Grandparents who now lived in heaven and how I can still picture them in my mind and remember special times we shared together. In that way, they were still alive in my mind.

A long silence followed. Caleb finally said, "You know, it's sort of strange, but I can see things in my heart. It's as if my heart is like a camera."

Ah, Caleb. Mine is too. Mine is too. And if I can remember only a few of the special times we share into my old age, I think tonight will be one of them....burned forever in the camera of my heart. I love you too, baby boy.....and I always will.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

As the last page of Narnia was finished.....

2011-04-15T23:55:00.000-07:00

Caleb was quiet for a moment, said his frustrated statement "Oh Rats!!", then screwed up his little face and threw himself into his Papa as he began to sob uncontrollably. "I love Narnia, and now we've finished the very last page and I won't be able to listen to Narnia again tomorrow." No amount of reminding him that someday we could read the series again would comfort him, because he loves and misses Narnia now.

Oh, how this wrenched his Mama and Papa's heart strings. This little son of ours has sat patiently and wide eyed night after night since mid-January....listening to the story of Narnia being spun, from the creation of their world to the end. He has loved pretending with Emet to be various characters in the stories of valiant princes and princesses, kings and queens, of talking animals craftily wielding swords in battle and living very believable lives in most unusual places. The story of the great lion Aslan....an allegory of our Christ. This world came alive in his mind, and now, as he perceives it, it is coming to a close, 767 pages later.

I couldn't help but record this moment here. Years from now, he may have a similar sadness at the end of reading a great story for the first time.....but he won't cry on his Papa's shoulder, sobbing with sadness.

"And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily every after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before." CS Lewis, The Last Battle

Anna Ruth....aka Ru Bear

2011-04-13T17:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it seems like momentous occasions all come together so much so that it is hard to slow down and enjoy them.....or realize they have passed. Thus, here I sit, to capture a bit of our Anna Ruth right now:

Our sweet Anna Ruth is now a full contributor to the "pitter patter of little feet". She was slow to venture into this territory, but sometime in mid-February, she took one step after the next out into the room and seemed to be thrilled by the notion. Yet, for several weeks after, she still preferred crawling as her primary mode of transportation. (She had the sweetest one-leg crawl she frequently used and looked just as precious with both knees on the floor wagging her little behind to and fro.) However, I would say that for the past two weeks, she has transitioned almost entirely to walking. Every day she gets faster and more confident. Just last night, Jason and I heard her crawl down the stairs, land her little feet on the floor and "pitter patter" barefoot across the kitchen in search of her toy box. We both looked at each other with a knowing smile....we have transitioned into a new stage....a short but special one that is to be treasured now and hidden deep within our hearts.

And oh how she babbles. All of the time jibbering and jabbering, and a few real words - perhaps still only recognizable to her family - are forming. She only will do a couple of signs.....very occasionally "More", and she rubs her tummy to say "please". She makes the milk sign, but that she seems to do to indicate that she wants something.....now. The words Mama and Papa have been around for a long while. She says "Ma ma?" in a loud questioning voice almost any time she wants anything. Thank you ("Dah-ku"), Ball ("Bah!"), Dog ("Dah"), and Cracker ("Cah-ku") are recent additions with our most precious addition of the word "Happy". I had just given her some ice cream, went outside to give some to the boys, and returned inside to see Anna Ruth happily flapping her arms and saying in a lilting voice "Ha-ppy"...."Ha-ppy".

Her sweet light brown hair is always a mess and ranges in style from 2 little "piggies" on top of her head, a barrette sometimes on the side, or all of it flying everywhere and hanging in front of her eyes so she cannot see. Though she benefits from the vision, she seems to prefer the latter since she always pulls out her barrettes and piggie tails!

And what a girl this one is........she loves to get washrags from under the kitchen sink and "clean". She unfortunately also loves to "wash up" in the toilet......and occasionally has found this to be a most accessible water source as well, for we recently found her drinking from a miniature tea cup dipped over and over into the toilet......which as a very minimal point of thankfulness I can say was flushed. Uggg....

She enjoys driving her brothers toy cars, playing with her little farm, cutting apart her velcro kitchen produce, and as of recently, drawing with crayons. She also loves crawling in and out of little chairs over and over again. And oh how she loves her big brothers! They can get giggles out of her like no one else can. Being the social creature she is, she often follows their sounds of play around the house and can be found wherever they are.

If there is one thing I wish most to remember about Ru Bear in this stage is her continual trying on of shoes! If their on, she is taking them off. But, if they are off, she is putting them on! She also loves to find and "put on" socks, pants, shirts, and the like.

Her sweet countenance is like a song to our hearts....all of ours. I have seen Caleb storming away in a rage, angry and Mama and Papa, stop mid stride, bend down and give his "Sissy" a gentle hug and a kiss. For those who know the passionate young man that is Caleb, you would also know the tremendous influence his love for his sister must have on him for this to occur!

She is learning to voice her opinion, however, so we doubt that she will be often railroaded by her big brothers. And, that's ok. A strong spirit may take a bit more training, but it's the best kind to have in the end.

May we raise this little one to be a beautiful princess in God's kingdom.."wise as a serpent....gentle as a dove"

Heaven in their eyes

2011-03-18T00:57:00.000-07:00

There is something almost supernatural about the interaction between the very old and the very young. It's as if they are each so very close to heaven that there is a common bond.....one having just arrived from the intimate creation of life, in constant communion with their Heavenly Father; the other on the final stages before their return to His side.

I know Mr. Harold knows no greater joy than when his "Little Anna" visits. The dull monotony of his days clears from his eyes, and the light that fills them is nothing short of awe. I wonder of this. It's as if he comprehends something of the profoundly spiritual in her innocence that only one so very close to heaven can experience.

For me, this picture seems to capture the entire story of this interaction......her eyes looking towards Jesus....his hands reaching to touch a piece of heaven on earth. The endearment in his eyes speaks beyond words. The contrasts are astounding: Wrinkled....smooth; Full of years.....full of potential; Both are weak.....yet His strength shines brightly through them.

I, for one, am humbled to be a witness to this interaction. It's one of those treasures buried along the road of life that doesn't come without careful observation. It lies a ways off the beaten path. Finding it slows you down a bit, but the reward itself is priceless.....an insight into the larger plan of the Creator that is only available to those willing to uncover it.

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

Anna Ruth's 1st Happy Meal

2011-02-16T15:06:00.002-08:00

The children's Great Grandmother, Mema, sent us $10 to take the kids to McDonalds. So, with today being a snow day.....and all of the extra excitement that brings, I thought it might be a fun day to go get happy meals. In our house, happy meals are reserved for post doctor visit treats or for special "dates" with the children. Plain cheeseburgers, on the other hand, are common "no time for lunch fare" which are eaten on the go. Thus, today, the children and I went in, claimed a table, and all three got happy meals.....Ru Bear her very first! They were delighted.....thanks, Mema!

Anna Ruth's 1st Happy Meal

2011-02-16T15:06:00.000-08:00

Snow Day

2011-02-16T14:46:00.000-08:00

We awoke to a winter wonderland this morning, though barely a trace of it remains a few short hours later! This is the first time we've really taken Anna Ruth out in the snow. I would describe her reaction to be fairly serious and pensive with an edge of crankiness! However, she did seem to enjoy eating snow.

News Flash!! Part of the alphabet not important!!!

2011-02-16T14:21:00.000-08:00

Caleb has been catching on lately to the concept of sounding out words. He is quite frequently delighted with himself when he can read a string of similar words and now tells me that he no longer needs reading exercise books because, in his words, "I already know how to read all by myself."

Yesterday, he had just completed a phonics exercise, and Emet was having a hard time going through Dr. Seuss's ABC book by himself. So, I told Caleb to read the book to him. It was so fun to hear Caleb sounding out some of the words, making others up, and remembering some of them from the many times through that book. At one point, they seemed to be stuck on a page for quite a while. Finally I heard Caleb say, "We'll just skip this page, Emet. It's not really important." :-)

A Season of Two Little Yellow Dump Trucks

2011-01-31T12:31:00.000-08:00

It struck me just now that someday I'm really going to miss the sound of the two little yellow dump trucks being pushed around outside on the driveway and sidewalk, making that distinct grinding noise of hard plastic wheels on concrete and rock.

It used to be a daily occurrence, one that I heard so often it didn't even register. In the past few months, it has been heard quite a bit less. Yet now, as I finish up a few things in the kitchen before heading outside to work....Anna Ruth having just been put down for a nap and a new load of laundry started, I can hear the sound of little wheels grinding away, and I realize how much joy the sound brings me.....well, the thought really. I love the thought of my two little boys outside playing with their dump trucks. And, it makes me realize just how quickly seasons pass. One same day leads to the next, which leads to the next. Each day is the same, yet ever so slowly, the season begins to pass from one to the next. One day, you realize that somewhere in the mix of sameness, Spring has transitioned completely to late Summer, and you are headed already into Fall. And yet, each day was the same, wasn't it? Where were those minor transitions that heralded the end of one season and the beginning of the next? Perhaps we lose the details in that we rarely have an abrupt stop. It is a slow process of change, so slow that if one is not watching very carefully you may never notice until it's gone. When is the last time you sat on your mother's lap as a child? The last time she comforted you and took care of you when you were sick? When was the last time I rocked Caleb to sleep in that old blue rocking chair? I used to do it every day. I haven't done it for years. When did I stop?

Each season of life brings along new and exciting changes, yet it's hard to let go of the past sometimes too. Nostalgia can be a powerful emotion. So, what am I to do with this present?.......with the moments that are fleeting right before my very eyes that are trapped in the sameness and routines of each day? How am I to respond? I suppose I will cling, for now, to this verse: "This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

And now, for me - outside I go, to work on the task I have before me this day.....and to listen to and rejoice in the grinding little wheels of two mighty little yellow dump trucks.....

Welcoming 2011

2011-01-01T01:53:00.000-08:00

I really can't think of a better way to ring in the new year. We spent a relaxing day at home. Mom and I cleaned out the file drawer and my huge pile of paperwork I've been putting off for months. What a relief to start the year with new planner pages in, and my office files ready for the inevitable and endless stream of papers ahead. The boys and Grandpa B went out in the *gear shift noise* truck (our '79 Dodge) to get a load of gravel and spent their time between unloading gravel in the driveway and over the creek at the bonfire. After dinner, Jason and I went out for a "planning date" at Starbucks where we laid out our thoughts, plans, and hopes for 2011 on paper. Then we went back to the car and gave it all over to God. Ah, how God speaks to us regarding plans in his Word!

- Proverbs 15:22: "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed."
- Proverbs 16:13: "Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed"
- Proverbs 19:21:"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."....
- Isaiah 32:8: "But the noble man makes noble plans, and by noble deeds he stands."
- Psalm 33:11:"But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations"

And may we not follow in the steps of whom the prophet Jeremiah spoke!
- "But they will reply, 'It's no use. We will continue with our own plans; each of us will follow the stubbornness of his evil heart.' " Jeremiah 18:12

When Jason and I returned home, tasty snacks were laid out and the boys were excitedly waiting for our Christmas gift exchange with Grandma and Grandpa B. DVDs, Candyland, and new 'snuggle friends' excited the boys while Anna Ruth was in love with her new dolly and furry lamb. Her eyes just lit up when she would look at their sweet little faces. What a joy to see how our little girl responds to such things!

Games were played, stories were read, and I spent a few blissful moments out by the bonfire alone with Jason in the crisp cold air, looking at the stars against a black velvet sky......the yellow lights from our cozy home across the creek glowing in the distance.

We crossed from 2010 to 2011 on our knees before the LORD......maker of heaven and earth, and the one from whom all blessings flow. We don't know what lies ahead in this new year......in the balance, some years are better than others. Yet, this we do know: "'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

And so, in this truth and trusting in Him....I shall close my New Years thoughts. Happy New Year to all!

The Big Camp out

2010-12-11T01:09:00.000-08:00

Receiving instructions about provisions hunting from Papa.

Practicing their fighting moves.....just in case a bear comes

Relaxing at camp

Our boys have been asking Jason to have a "camp out" with them for months. Finally, we decided that tonight was the night.

We settled in to the living room before a cozy fire to read our nightly advent story, Jotham's Journey....a story, I might add, which is near and dear to the heart of any boy. Sword fights, battles and brawls mix with jackals and lions. All three of my boys are riveted as we listen to the journey of the young shepherd boy on the way to find his lost family. By the end of the reading, the boys are more than prepared to face any lion or bear they might encounter in the night.

Following the story, the camp out preparations began. I have to smile at the enthusiasm and thoughtfulness shown by my weary husband. As the boys excitedly climbed into their pjs with directions to collect and prepare their weapons, Jason filled bags with provisions; animal cookies (of which they normally each get one cookie every night) and chocolates. He then hid them so the boys would be able to "hunt" for their camp out provisions. The boys donned their Larry Boy hats, explained by Caleb in that if anyone were to come upon them in the night, they would know they were superheros. Swords and light sabers were in hand. Nerf guns, ammunition, a hammer and a flashlight were brought into the camp with the provisions stored under the camp so that even if the bears could smell them, they would never find them. Blankets were hung from the top bunk to enclose the camp. The boys were, as Jason described them, "bright eyed and bushy tailed".....

I was told that Jason and the boys would also be protecting Anna Ruth and me. Caleb invited me to join the camp, and even offered to go get my Christmas cards downstairs so I could write them in the camp. I declined, due to my need to keep the camp fire burning in the woodstove. All agreed this was a worthy task. However......I will admit to sneaking up the stairs to growl and a few trips outside to throw stones and soccer balls at the house until I saw the flashlight pop on upstairs. I would then race back inside and hide on the stairs to hear the ensuing conversations. They were pretty certain I was a bear, though Papa mentioned it might be the "Abominable Snow Mama"!

Sometimes, I think the most fun we can have with our children is when we completely let loose and remember what it was like to be a kid.....it's not that far off really. I hope we can build as many of these "camp out" experiences in their little hearts as possible to create memories that will far outlive the events themselves and speak to their hearts of true love and family bonds when the pulls of the outside world become a lure to capture their attentions. Because, no one is truly too old for a little "camp out" now and then!!

And now, I've got to sign off for the night. I need to make my last rounds and stoke the fire before the changing of the guard. :-)

There's something about home...

2010-11-26T01:16:00.000-08:00

The longer I've been away from my childhood home, the more reminiscent I become each time I return... especially around the holiday season. Arriving transcends the physical into the the emotional arena of settling into a place where I belong......a place for which there is reserved a special spot in my heart. And, when I return home, that spot is filled.

Minutes after arriving yesterday, I was headed out alone for a jog in the cold, crisp late-Fall air. The thin layer of ice crusted snow crunched beneath my feet on the trail, and I could smell the heady scent of cedar and pine from the many branches scattered about. Birds chirped, woodsmoke filled the air,and dusk began to settle in on the early evening. It appeared that every home I passed had a warm glow within, and each car that passed on the country road was headed to their weekend's resting spot. The next day was Thanksgiving.....a time to go home.....a time to give thanks......and a time to anticipate the joyful Christmas season ahead.

As I walked back into my parents' house, I could smell the preparation of the delicious meal. My Aunt and Mom were busily working in the kitchen, the boys giggling and playing on the floor with Grandpa B, Mema crocheting in a chair by the fire, and Jason relaxing in the living room holding Anna Ruth.

In a few days, we'll be headed back to our own home in Battle Ground, where we'll spend the next month as a family enjoying many Christmas preparations and festivities in our own cozy home. That will be the childhood home of my children's memories. Whether or not that is the last home they will remember remains to be seen, but it is home for now.

Looking up the definition of home, you find many words to describe the true meaning of the word: a dwelling place or retreat....a place of residence or refuge....a place where things are most native or most common....in sports, a destination or goal.

In the Bible, God speaks of Heaven as being our true home. Perhaps He created homes on earth so that we might understand the call home. I weep for those who do not have a warm spot in their hearts for home. I would speculate that the spot is indeed there, but the injury of the past has caused them to build a wall to block its access....to protect their hearts.

My prayer is that my own home can be that cozy place that evokes a calling of our eternal home for all who enter my doors...or even peer at my windows from afar! May they see a bright, shining light that welcomes them in. May they smell woodsmoke in the air, hear the snow crunch under their feet, and absorb the scent of cedar and pine into their very souls. May they anticipate a warm meal to fill their bellies and the spot in their hearts created for home.

Emet

2010-10-30T15:48:00.000-07:00

You turned 3 years old this past Monday, October 25, 2010. How can this even be? I am beginning to understand what it means when older people say things such as "Where have the years gone?" or "Cherish this time. It won't last."  When we relive memories, they come to our mind as if in a fluid form, where the passage of time is of no relevance. I can almost look to my right or left and see myself holding you as a tiny newborn. Pictures flood my mind. The mind is a powerful thing.

We went over to visit Grandma Marion on Monday, the very place we were when I went into early labor with you 3 years ago. We had gone to Grandma's friend Jan's home to pick some pumpkins.  While there, I started having cramping and bleeding. Not believing I could be in labor, we went back to Grandma Marion's house, and I laid on the couch. Sure enough, contractions started coming every 2.5 minutes, and the hospital told me to come in. The next morning, you were born, 5 weeks early and spent the next week in the NICU. You did so well there, and once you came home....you raced all of the charts right back up to the very top. That sort of sums up how you are too! You don't want to be left behind, and you are hearty and strong in everything you do. Now that we know you, your birth story fits you so very well!

I wish I could somehow capture this past year.....bottle it up so that I won't ever lose it. I don't want it to go away, my son. It's been challenging at times, to be sure. You were a two year old, after all! However, this past year has been full of so much joy seeing you develop and learn. It has been full of innocence and purity....a coming of self and developing a fierce independence that coexists just as strongly with a desire to do and say everything your big brother Caleb does. You see, that's the thing about life and the passage of time. I struggle so often with being able to let go of today and fully embrace what tomorrow may bring. I can look back and see all of the joy that I would have missed, and inevitably some of the pain, had I stayed in the "spot" I was afraid to leave. But, time doesn't give us that choice. It's as if we are a passenger on the train of time.  Looking out the window, taking stops along the way, but always going forward - never returning to any particular spot.

Well, in my attempts to capture a few of the joys, I'm going to write a few down. Yes, I will likely forget some incredible moments. 365 days is hard to remember on a play-by-play. Had I not jotted some of these down, I would not have remembered them...As I read over the list, memories flood my mind that would have remained hidden. But here is some of what I have loved, and am thankful to have captured:

I love.....
....How you now speak in complete sentences, even if the words aren't all quite right. My recent favorite of your purple dinosaur card from Auntie Jenifer, "I luv dis fing." (I love this thing). Another common phrase
is "I no like adacados or tuh-matoes!"
Earlier in the year, you only had few word sentences such as
- "Mama crying. Bonk my head. KB knock over me grass. Crying."
- Or, with a scowl and a pout, "I'm fussy...";
- "Go poddy sooo bat";
- Or, with head cocked to the side and inquisitive look on your scrunched up face "Yours hat?
    Yours coat? Mys car?";
- Or, with your chin tucked down and a knowing look, "Race car....fast"
- Or, laughing "Siwy Goose Goose Goose!"
- Or how you would say "First..." all of the time.
- Or "Wurz it?" when you were looking for something
- Or, shaking head from side to side..."No like it my brefest"
- Or, "Noder one?" (another one?)
- Or, "Oh right?" (alright?)
- Or, "Nakins" (napkins)

When you began to sing, you would sing the same line over and over again throughout the entire song. "Fossy the Soman", "Blessed Assurance", and "Jesus Loves Me" being some that come to mind. (January was the first time you sang alone, by yourself in the car on Grace Avenue on our way to Starbucks. You sang "Jesus loves me" followed by "Jingle Bells....Jingle Bells". Papa and I both looked at each other with that look - mist in our eyes accompanied by a lump in our throat and joy in our heart. It is the simultaneous joy and sorrow of recognizing a first....which is also a last.

You would hold out your cheek with a smile and say "Kiss cheek?"...then want to kiss ours with your plump, wet lips. You still like to give lots of kisses....on both cheeks, on both eyelids, on my forehead, my chin, my nose, and yes - my teeth!

I love...
...how your cheeks are still puffy and round, most often rosy. They beg me to kiss them.
...how your lips are pouty and full, always ready to kiss my cheeks!
...how your eyelashes are miles and miles long, and when you close your eyes in protest to something,
   or just in being silly the slight tilt of each eye makes the lashes laying on your cheeks the sweetest sight.
...how you scrunch your face and tuck your chin and give a little grin.....joy shines through. You can't hide it!
...how you call Caleb "Kay lub" now, but only at the beginning of the year it was "KB" (what he used to
   call himself when he was first talking and our nickname for him now)
...how you call Anna Ruth "Anna Roof", when you are not calling her "Missy"....the most common name
   you call her.
...how you call oil "oye oye"
...how you replace all "th" sounds with an "f"....."Truf", "Fanks", "Fank You", "Wif"
...how you say "Fanks" with such graciousness and expression
...how you call Potty Talk "Toddy Pok"
...how you say "Will you cuddle wif me?" with your head cocked to the side and your brows furrowed
   in what we call your "concerned brow". Oh - I love you Emet!
...how you and Caleb must have the same things...if Caleb has Tiny Tiger, then you need Tiny Puppy.
   He has Toto, you have Toto. He has Sa-sa-sa, You have Sa-sa-sa. He has "Lil Mucky"
   (Little Monkey), you have "Lil Mucky". He has Bob, you have Bob. He has Larry, you have Larry.
   I believe Caleb started this, but you latched on immediately, and you both hold your "friends" near
   and dear to your heart.   A frequent phrase is "Here's Kayub's Toto. Where's my Toto?" You have
   a Harry and Caleb has a Straton that I bought for you in England when I was pregnant with Caleb.
   You hardly can remember that you each don't have one of those also.
...how when you are REALLY excited, you laugh and roar almost as one. The time I'm thinking of is riding
   the cow train at the Sauvie Island Pumpkin Patch. You got so excited, you stood up and laughed and
   roared. The guy driving the tractor turned around and laughed over the noise. I would have given anything
   to record it!
...how when you get excited about something, your eyes get so big they practically pop out of your head!
...how you say CHEESE (it sort of sounds like CHAYSE) for pictures.
...how after Uncle Norman and Aunt Maggie visited from Mississippi, you started to say "payants"
   instead of pants
...how all summer long, you would bring me boquets of dandilions, with the shortest stems one
   could imagine!
...how when we hear siren's while driving or in the house, you're the first to say, "Mama!! We need to pray!"
...how when you pray, you say things like, "Dear God, please help for Amily" (Dear God, please help Emily)
...how the past, present, and the future get mixed up, "I wish I could have a shirt like that when I was a Papa"
...how you tuck your chin down, furrow your brows and poke out your lower lip, with a twinkle in your eyes

I love...
....how you slept in Caleb's big-boy bed to try moving out of your crib before the big move to bunkbeds
    this summer! (And you are doing so very well in your new big-boy bunk bed!)

I love...
...how you take on what your brother and the family does. Often, you are the instigator now to say
   "Guard the house baby girl Greta and baby boy Samson" when we drive out of the driveway.

I love...
...how you resolutely repeat nearly everything Caleb asks for or says as if it is your very own desire,
   thought, and oppinion. Perhaps it is. Or, perhaps you just look up to your big brother and think what
   he wants must be what is best, and you don't want anything less for yourself!

I love...
...that you prayed your first prayer this year, on your own.....and now take turns with the rest of us praying
   at meals and before bed.

I love..
....how when you have the Ordway Family Prayer Council with Papa each night how you have a list a
    mile long for people you want to pray for.

I love...
...how when you went potty in the toilet for the first time this year (on January 13th!) you announced,
   "I'm stinky!"

I love...
...how you are so passionate in your cries and in your love. You simply are who you are, and I love you
   that way!

I love..
...how you love to spend time with me. How..when I suggest it, you enthusiastically say "Sure!"

I love...
...how you most often share what you have with a willing "Sure!" (when something isn't ripped from
   your hands by your big brother)

I love...
...how on your birthday, you were almost shy about all of the attention we were lavishing on you, and
   your wants and desires were simple: (Life Cereal for breakfast and lunch. Pizza for dinner, and Life Cereal
   for dessert! :-) )

Words cannot define you, little one. The closest word I can come up with to capture your spirit is your name itself. Emet, the Hebrew word Truth. You are true to yourself, true to your family, true to the moment and how you feel just then.

May the LORD bless you and keep you, Emet. May He make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you. May the LORD show you His favor and give you His peace, my son.  We love you so much.

Your Mama

Teaching Papa How to Read...

2010-10-19T00:12:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was sitting with Jason in the living room explaining the rules for Spanish pronunciations. Using English as an example, I was reminding Jason of how vowels followed by a single consonant and then a vowel make a hard, or long sound.....and if there are two consonants following, it makes a soft, or short sound.

As I sounded out a couple of examples, Caleb purposefully came into the room. "Papa" he said. "If I get out my computer (a toy computer with alphabet and number games), I can show you a screen where it will teach you how to make the letter sounds. Would you like me to get it for you?" :-)

Caleb's Prayer

2010-10-19T00:09:00.000-07:00

Our time has been very full lately. Filled with good things? Absolutely. But, full nonetheless. Jason commented tonight that it seems like the only times he and I get to visit at all are Friday nights, and even then we are often "doing something" together.

So, tonight I roared into the driveway, honked the horn to the tune of "shave-and-a-haircut-two-bits", Jason came up from the yard and took the kids out of the car...and I took off again. When I returned home, Jason and the kids were just finishing dinner, so Jason started their baths and I cleaned up the kitchen. After nursing Anna Ruth I prepared to go to the gym, Jason put Anna Ruth down for the night and prepared to have some time with the boys watching a movie. It struck me as I was about to rush off that we hadn't done any sort of night time routine with her at all.....just laid her in her crib and said goodnight. With Caleb, every night was an elaborate routine....and with the boys, it still is. Perhaps it will start later with her as she fits into the nightly Ordway routine. However, I felt a moment of panic when Jason said he hadn't prayed with her. Hearing Caleb upstairs, I called up...."Caleb? Will you pray with your sister?" "Me?" he asked. "Yes, Caleb. She needs someone to pray with her." "Sure" he returned and went into her room. Sensing this might be a moment to remember, I snuck up the stairs with my camera to record their time together. Here was Caleb's prayer:

"Dear God,

Thank you for Sissy.
Thank you for her wonderful big brothers, me and Emet.
Thank you for our wonderful world that you made.
Thank you for everything you have done for us.
Thank you for everything that we have done for you.
Thank you for the flowers.
Thank you that you made my mom and my dad and my brother and my sister.

In Jesus name,

Amen

Needless to say, my heart was full. Above all, Caleb is thankful. It is the first thing that pours from his heart when alone with God. I am so very glad I took time out of my "busy schedule" to see God's hand in the life of my little children. I could have missed that moment. I was already running behind. Behind what? I'm not sure...perhaps just the clock. As I type this it is after midnight, and I just finished folding the laundry and need to take a shower. I don't really have time for this blog either, but here I sit....gently being reminded yet again of the rapid passage of time, of the fleeting moments I will have with my precious babies at each stage they pass through under my wings and in my care. Thank you, God, for Caleb's prayer, a little reminder of my purpose right now...........and of all the many things I have to be thankful for.

Little did I know....

2010-10-14T23:58:00.000-07:00

14 years ago tonight, Jason and I were headed out on our first date.

Little did I know....how much this man would come to mean to me.......how the man I once thought a rather simple country boy would come to be the wisest, most intelligent and kindest man I have ever known.....a man of integrity by all measures.

Little did I know how deep and wide and far-reaching would be his love and faithfulness towards me, his family, and others.

Little did I understand how his obedience to God was through his service to me, and how much he would carry me with him....that through him God would allow me to see the significance of the words in Ephesians "..may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep is the love of Christ."

Little did I know how very blessed I would be to even know this man, much less that one day I would call him my husband, father to my children, and the best friend I could ever know.

Thank you, my husband, lover, and friend. You are my hearts desire, and I have found you, the one whom my soul loves.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." Ephesians 5:25 - 31

quote of the day

2010-09-16T13:10:00.000-07:00

I walked outside to get something out of the car to the sound of little yellow dumptrucks racing on the gravel driveway.

"Mama....I need to tell you something."
"Yes, Caleb?"
"Well, we're probably gonna be skippin' our naps today, because we're playing ouside and we love to play."

The Hunt

2010-09-14T23:00:00.000-07:00

Life has been busy lately - really busy. Tonight, for the first time in a long while, Jason was home by around 6:30 and no one had plans to go anywhere. Shortly after dinner, Caleb announced, "Maybe we can all go outside as a family!" Everyone agreed that was a good idea, so as the dusk began to overtake the day.....we headed outside. Anna Ruth was contentedly snuggled into the Ergo on Papa's back. "What are we going to do?" we asked Caleb. "We're going to hunt!" he proclaimed. Caleb and Emet handed out weapons. Our arsenal included 2 Nerf swords, 1 short red plastic stick, and a wooden ping-pong ball gun.

We set out with Caleb in the lead. Around the outbuildings, past the garden, down to the woodpile and behind the shed, across the creek, to the far corners of the property, along the blackberry bushes, alongside the creek, up over the hills and through the long grass......we trudged on and on. Often stopping for a "Shhh....I hear something!" Our instructions from Caleb were clear, "If you see something, kill it." When Papa asked "What if it's a good thing we see?" Caleb clarified, "If you see something and it's bad, kill it." Well, we never had to use the weapons. Somehow, we made it through the dark night unscathed.

When we returned, Caleb and Emet wanted to play games. After some fencing matches, He and Emet agreed we should race back and forth from the cedar tree, and so we did. A few tears were involved as the winner was contested, but in the end everyone had a chance to win at least once.

We headed inside for family story time, then upstairs for night time routines, where Caleb asked if I could be his helper tonight. Anna Ruth went to bed, but we and the boys snuggled on the bottom bunk for a while, all the while Caleb asked questions such as "Do angels have bones?" and..."Is Satan a kid?" and..."How much does he weigh, do you know?".....and "Where do they hide bodies once our spirit goes to heaven?" :-)

As I consider my life, the things that keep me "busy" are wholly unmemorable.....processing the laundry, cleaning the kitchen, making meals, picking up, racing around on this errand and that, yet they consume most of my time. I can count on one hand the number of times I have recently made the time just to stop and make memories with my children. Time is passing so quickly. Given a typical life progression, of which one should never take for granted, over a quarter of our time with Caleb at home is gone....and for at least another quarter, he probably won't want to spend the time with us he does now. So, the days of begging for our time and attention, of wanting to play family games and cuddle at night asking endless questions are fleeting.

Jason commented tonight, "It's funny how very little it takes to make their day shine. They'll probably always remember this." I hope they do, and I hope I can remember how very little time it takes to make memories that will last a lifetime.

.......like tonight and The Hunt.....

I love you snowpants

2010-09-10T00:36:00.000-07:00

What led me to blog on this particular night, I'm not sure. This event happened most of a year ago, but it's one that's been on my heart many, many times since. There are just those moments you do not want to forget....

We had gone up into the Oregon mountains to Diamond Lake, not too far from Crater Lake. We stayed in a little cabin with some friends for the weekend for what they call "Snow Camp". This particular year, however, there wasn't much snow at all. In fact, the biggest amount of snow was that which had been piled up from clearing the roadways just outside our cabin. The dads spent most of the days outside with the children playing, the moms inside with the babies drying dripping wet snowclothes as quickly as possible in front of the woodstove. However, the children didn't seem to mind wearing their wet snowclothes and sludging through the rain so long as sledding, shoveling, and snowballs were involved.

All packed up and leaving the mountain resort, I must say that Jason and I were a bit tired and ready to head back to our warm, dry home. As we were driving out the road, I said out loud "Bye bye snow camp. See you next time." Silence followed for a minute or two, then, in what may be the single moment Jason and I remember from all of Emet's childhood, Emet cried out "Bye bye snow pants, I love you!" Then, "Bahahaha" he burts out in tears in his very first wail of expressed sadness. Jason and I looked at each other and nearly cried too. It was the sweetest thing we'd ever heard.

Here we are seven months later. Emet has grown in leaps and bounds, both physically, mentally, and verbally. Next year, he will be in a whole different place and have a whole different experience. It reminds me that time passes so very quickly. That stage for Emet has passed, and thus, it has passed for me too. I miss it. He is still only two years old, so a part of what we saw then is still with us.....but not for long. Even as I welcome the beauty of what may be ahead for my children, I cling to what was passed.....to what is now. That's human nature, I guess. We can't just seem to trust and grow. We're always afraid that what we have clenched in our fist at this moment is better than what could be to come. In a sense, it's the opposite problem of seeing the glass half empty.

So....from my end...."Bye Bye Snow pants. I love you. And, I'll miss you too. But, you'll always be in my heart."

Date Night: Keep the Fire Burning

2010-08-28T01:08:00.000-07:00

Ah date night. I love the “Ahhhhh” feeling afterwards. The feeling that reminds you that before a houseful of cherished blessings, there were two. Two who met and fell in love because they liked what they saw in the other person. Because there was chemistry. Because they saw potential of what their lives together could be. Their dreams were similar….their hopes….their values. They talked for hours on end, the sea of subjects seemingly never ending.

The funny thing is about obtaining a dream sometimes though, is that we forget to appreciate it. The realization of the dream kind of sneaks up on us, and before we know it – we’re in it...yet still looking around for something just beyond the horizon.

It struck me recently that just like a fire takes effort to build and maintain, so do relationships. They’re very much the same, actually. You start with a kindling, paper, and a match……slowly adding larger pieces of wood until eventually you have a roaring fire. It’s easy to stop here, sit back and relax…….or put a check in the box “fire built” and consider it done, moving on to the next thing grabbing your immediate attention. (Read here: raising 3 small children, remodeling a house, working long hours, being involved in the lives of others, and maintaining even the basics with the aforementioned in the mix). You look away from that roaring fire and get absorbed in other things, just counting on that warmth to continue….and slowly but surely the flames begin to die down. You don't noticed it at first, but soon you feel cold. When you look over at your fire, all you see is a smoldering pile.
Have you ever sat across the table from that someone you once could talk to for hours and not have a thing to talk about? Well, my guess….and even in speaking from experience….is that it’s not that there’s nothing to talk about, it’s that you’ve let the fire burn down and have a bit of rework to do to get it roaring again.

And so – that’s date night for us. Thanks to the blessing of great friends and family who welcome our little ones into their homes for an evening every now and then, Jason and I are able to throw a few logs on the fire…..remember our dreams together..…do some planning..…laugh a little, and enjoy each other. Just us. Then, it’s really not so hard to remember why we got together in the first place!

“I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” Song of Solomon 6:3

media matters

2010-08-18T20:34:00.000-07:00

Tonight at dinner, Caleb turned to Emet and said:

"Emet? The Bible says, 'Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who mistreat you', so that's what you should do."

My jaw dropped a bit. I didn't remember teaching Caleb this verse, so I asked, "Caleb, where did you learn this?" "Alligator Hunter" he replied. I smiled because I have been feeling a tad guilty for sitting the boys in front of a movie while I do my Bible study in the mornings. My only requirement has been that it be a movie that teaches them about God. I guess they have been doing a little studying of their own!

This is a good reminder to me that what we choose to immerse ourselves in determines a large part of who we become. What we allow in our ears, our eyes, and our minds is what ultimately flows out of our hearts. I am also reminded that the little things we do for others really do matter. Our friend Pam has been sending the boys a Christian children's DVD now and then. Because of this, these are options my children have to choose from. Thanks, Pam!

"Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." Proverbs 4:23

"But the words you speak come from the heart...." Matthew 15:18

Squirrels for Dinner

2010-07-28T10:28:00.000-07:00

When I was a child, I can recall being in front of our house on the sidewalk creeping ever so slowly toward a squirrel so that I could just reach out and touch its tail. The excitement of such an interaction made my summer. So often I found myself in this position, quietly waiting on various wild creatures to come near, with the ever present little girl dream that they might play with me and be my friend.

Fast forward 25 years to this morning.....raising two little boys.

"Mama!! I see a squirrel outside", Caleb excitedly exclaims. "A squirrel!" Emet repeats.

"We need to kill that squirrel," Caleb continues. "Yeah! Kill the squirrel with a shotgun or a...or a winmag!!" joins Emet.

"I want to eat that squirrel for dinner!!" shouts Caleb.

Well, I guess Grandma Marion did say that squirrel meat tastes pretty good......but for tonight, I think I'll pass.

Caleb, where did the dinosaurs go?

2010-07-15T15:43:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, we returned from a long weekend at my parents' house in Port Orchard for the annual Stolberg Family Reunion. While at Grandma and Grandpa B's, the boys camp out in their closet on pallets. (For the record, Grandma and Grandpa have a closet approaching the size of the boys' bedroom at home!) I snuck into the bedroom and overheard the following exchange.

Emet: "Cayub, where did dinosaurs go?"

Caleb: "Emet, I don't know. You'll have to ask God about that."

Emet: "Yes you do know 'bout dinosaurs!!"

Caleb: "No I don't know, Emet, but God knows EVERYTHING. He created everything, and He was never born and He never can die, and He is so big that he is EVERYWHERE at the same time! He is so tall that it would take 2 days to get to his head!......No, maybe even 16 days!"

Emet: "I would sit on His head!!" (heartily laughing, then) "Cayub, why did you take off your blanket?..." (a little window into the mental wanderings of a 2 year old)

Fast forwarding several days to yesterday, the children and I were outside, sitting at the edge of the garden. As I looked over the weed filled plot, I thought of the many life lessons one can learn from a garden. We talked about leaves and roots, how plants get their food from water, soil, and sun. We discussed weeds and how they can overtake plants, choking them out so the plant can't get any sunlight or water. We practiced pulling up weeds by only pulling the tops off of weeds, then by pulling the weed out by the roots so that it can't grow anymore.

I got out my Bible and began to read them the parable of the sewer. I explained as I went, and both boys were listening attentively. Here are the verses we read:

A farmer went out to plant some seeds. As he scattered them across his field, some seeds fell on a footpath, and the birds came and ate them. Other seeds fell on shallow soil with underlying rock. The seeds sprouted quickly because the soil was shallow. But the plants soon wilted under the hot sun, and since they didn’t have deep roots, they died. Other seeds fell among thorns that grew up and choked out the tender plants. Still other seeds fell on fertile soil, and they produced a crop that was thirty, sixty, and even a hundred times as much as had been planted! Matthew 13:3-8

and the explanation.....

“Now listen to the explanation of the parable about the farmer planting seeds: The seed that fell on the footpath represents those who hear the message about the Kingdom and don’t understand it. Then the evil one comes and snatches away the seed that was planted in their hearts. The seed on the rocky soil represents those who hear the message and immediately receive it with joy. But since they don’t have deep roots, they don’t last long. They fall away as soon as they have problems or are persecuted for believing God’s word. The seed that fell among the thorns represents those who hear God’s word, but all too quickly the message is crowded out by the worries of this life and the lure of wealth, so no fruit is produced. The seed that fell on good soil represents those who truly hear and understand God’s word and produce a harvest of thirty, sixty, or even a hundred times as much as had been planted!”

Matthew 13: 18-23

At the end of the story, I asked the boys, "So what did you learn from that story?" Caleb replied, "Nothing. I don't like Bible stories. I just like to think about money and steal other kids' toys."

So, there you have it! What a great parallel to our adult life struggles....one minute fully believing and trusting in God.....the next, completely focused on pointless, worldly pursuits that come to nothing in the end. Apparently it starts young!

As a humorous aside, during the weed pulling process, Emet, having recently received the Veggie Tale DVD Larry Boy and the Rumor Weed, excitedly ripped the top off a weed and ran over to me shouting, "Look-it!!! I found a rumor weed!" :-)

My Little Teachers

2010-07-08T00:56:00.000-07:00

I look at you sleeping, your little eyes closed, and time stands still. You lay at peace in my care, trusting me...believing in me, because you don't know to do anything else.

You are fearfully and wonderfully made, priceless gifts, treasures placed in my keeping. Each one of you is special and unique. God designed you because He wanted you just the way you are.... everything about you. You are priceless to Him. Psalm 139:14 says, "I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well."

Your little chests rise and fall with each breath, and for a moment I see what God desires for me......peaceful rest in His care, not worried about tomorrow, just trusting that He is who He says He is.....believing all He has promised, because I know no other way.

As you grow older, little ones, you may wonder about your purpose in life - you may look around you for reassurance and not up to the One who created you. The beautiful things around you may begin to draw you away from your Heavenly Father as you begin to trust in them. You will find out that people may let you down, even Papa and I. You will learn about heartaches and disappointment. You will experience sorrow and pain. Your rest may not be so peaceful, your dreams not so sweet.

The funny thing is.......I'm beginning to see that God has as much purpose for you in my life as He has for me in yours. It is often through you that God speaks to me, and reminds me of how life is supposed to be....reminds me that things don't have to be so complicated....that He wants me to be snuggled safe in His care, leaving tomorrow to Him and not to my own plans, insecurities and fears.

Heavenly Father - hear my prayer! Help me to be as my children, tender and sweet, full of grace and mercy. Let me forgive easily and love much. Let my laughter ring with innocence and pure joy. Let me rest in Your care....believing, obeying and trusting that what You have for me is greater than what I plan for myself. May I always be about Your purpose and not my own. And, God, thank You for my little teachers....the ones You sent to show me the way Home.

"Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.' " Matthew 19:14

This Moment

2010-06-27T00:14:00.001-07:00

Have you ever had the sense that this moment is slipping away? It is. We are all only allotted a certain amount of moments before our time on earth is done. What are we to do with this moment? Certainly its existance isn't for nothing. One moment leads to the next from the time we are born until the time we die. Soloman writes in Ecclesiastes,

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1

Beyond any shadow of a doubt, I know that my primary purpose now is the nurturing and raising of my three beautiful children - Caleb, Emet, and Anna Ruth.....loving and serving my wonderful husband and best friend, Jason......honoring and welcoming friends and strangers alike.....making my home a place of refuge and light, hope and friendship.

Yet, what of this very moment, God? This moment when I gaze down at the sleeping faces of my beautiful children, these priceless gifts you have given into my care? I see it fleeting before me. Time has taught me that this moment passes into the next right before my very eyes.

Our boys watched the movie Toy Story at a friend's house tonight and were scared. I hadn't thought anything of letting them watch it but now am reminded just how very tender and fragile their little spirits are. Time will change this, it always does. Their time of innocent childhood is so very short. When we came home, Jason took Caleb and laid down with him on the couch, like he used to do when he was a tiny baby. But, Caleb is so big now. Yet, he was just born, wasn't he?.....several moments ago....

I look at the pictures on my computer in fast forward, and time is literally passing before my very eyes. I wonder, did I make the most of each moment?

So, what did I do with that moment...the one that was this moment several moments ago? I gazed at my babies, I stroked each little forehead and touched each little nose. I prayed to God to protect them and keep them safe, to give us wisdom and strength as we raise them up, and I shed a tear of nostalgia for the inevitable passing of that moment - knowing full well that before too long, I won't be gazing at my small babies any longer......that I would be a woman of advanced age with greying hair and a lined face and would stare with awe and amazement back the youthful pictures of myself , my husband and my babies.

Heavenly Father - help me to follow the road you would have me travel; help me to make those lines on my face lines of laughter and joy and kindness. Help me to guard the hearts and minds of my children until it is time for me to prepare them for the big world ahead of them, then help me to point them in the right direction. Help me to live this moment from now until my last with Your purpose and not mine.....and to make the most of this moment........

Out of the mouth of babes...

2010-06-25T00:34:00.000-07:00

The past two days have been rich with sweet moments from my sons, so I thought I'd capture a few:

Last night, Caleb asked me to crawl into his bed for a while with him, which is now on the top bunk about 1.5 feet from the ceiling. As we lay cuddled together, he asked, "Mama, when will I be a Papa?" I explained to him that first he would meet a wonderful woman, who first loved God more than anything else in her life, and then loved him next. "You mean like Grandma?" he asked.

Today, Caleb was singing upstairs. I thought I heard the melody to "Humble Thyself in the Sight of the Lord." As he came downstairs still singing, however, I heard the words he was actually signing: "Trouble myself in the sight of the Lord." Quite telling of human nature, I thought. If only we could get that one straight! :-)

We were getting out of the car in the gym parking lot today. My hands were full carrying Anna Ruth and Emet started to cry out for my hand. Caleb kindly said, "Here, Emet. You can take my hand. I've got ya." (My heart was melting, as you could imagine.)

Later that day, however, Caleb was upstairs going to the bathroom and called out, "Emet! Come up here!" Emet said, "No!" Caleb called down "I won't be mean to you anymore if you come up here! But if you don't come up here, then I'll be really mean to you."

As I was feeding Anna Ruth avacados for dinner tonight, Caleb came up and asked if he could have some avacados. "Sure", I told him. I cut him a slice and Emet started to whine and say "I no like adacados!" "Emet," I returned, "You don't have to like 'adacados' but Caleb and I do. You don't have to eat any." He continued to pout and said a sentence that is pretty typical for our little Emet: "I no like tomatoes aaaaann I no like t'adacados."

Tonight we went out for Mexican food. Anna Ruth sat in a high chair and ate cheerios for the first time. The boys were so proud of her, wanting to give her tons of cheerios at once. It is so adorable how much they adore their sister....whom they may forever call "Missy."

Oh how I love my little boys!

In the shadow of Your wings

2010-06-22T02:27:00.000-07:00

...but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary... Isaiah 40:31

There are those moments in life you will never forget...moments you return to when you are doubting, hurting, or afraid....those times when it is undeniable that God is speaking to you in a way that goes beyond rational explanation. I write the below as a reminder, so that when I am in a dry place someday, feeling far removed from God, I can remember that HE IS. It may not seem miraculous or special to anyone else, but I truly believe that if we seek Him, God will oftentimes meet us where we are, speaking to us in a way that allows us to see and believe.

Saturday morning I woke up at my parents' home in Port Orchard. My plan was to go for a run that day, but nothing in me wanted to go. Nothing. I got up and dressed in my workout clothes, and extended my breakfast as long as possible. I complained to Jason that my knees already hurt and I had no energy. It was chilly and drizzling outside. Finally, I determined that if I didn't leave soon, my window of opportunity would pass.

Up until this past December, 6 short months ago, I would have claimed that I had never run more than 2 miles in my entire life....and that was back in high school. I would get knee pain, shin splints, and feel like my chest was going to explode. I'm sure these are normal things for people who don't run, but to me the thought of running was torture. After Anna Ruth was born, however, I found that getting my daily 3 mile walk in with the three children was next to impossible. My entire exercise plan was undone. A friend suggested we train for a 5K run, and I laughed. However, several other friends were doing it, so I decided I had to give it a try. I quickly found that, though it wasn't my favorite activity, I soon pushed past the 2 mile mark to run 3, 4 and 5 miles. One time in late March, I ran 7.2 miles on flat ground. However, my legs felt ready to collapse and I had fairly severe IT band pain and overuse syndrome after this. I had to stop running for a while then start over at 2 miles and slowly build back up. Even now, after 6 months of running, I often loathe the first 3-4 miles. To put it plainly, it's not a sport I choose to do because I love it. I run because it is the most expedient and effective way for me to keep in physical and cardiovascular shape.

I had been struggling for a few days, being in a place of mental turmoil....feeling hurt, lonely and broken. I wanted desperately to feel God's presense, to be comforted. But, this seemed a remote and unattainable goal. It didn't seem possible. Yet, I put on my Hymns playlist. (I typically don't do this while running, as it would have me going slower than a snail.)

About 20 minutes into my run, the song "Lay em Down" started to play. I felt like God was beginning to speak to me in the way He always does for me. For me, it's never an audible voice, but the strongest sense that overtakes me....almost like a pressure on my chest. Sometimes I hear words in my head...sometimes I don't. However, I'm beginning to recognize a pattern in how He communicates with me. I heard Him tell me to listen to the words of this song. I started the song again.....and again......and again.....and again. Each time I would start it, my mind would almost instantly wander away. It was crazy! I kept hearing Him tell me to LISTEN.....So - that is how we rolled - He told me to listen, I restarted the song.....my mind wandered - He told me to listen, I restarted the song...my mind wandered...over and over and over again. Finally (this must have been a miracle in and of itself) I was able to get through the entire song entirely focused on each word. Here they are:

Come down to the river
Come and let yourself in
Make good on a promise
To never hurt again
If you're lost and lonely
You're Broken down
Bring all of your troubles
come lay 'em down

All you sinners
And the weak at heart
All you helpless
On the boulevards
Wherever you are now
Whatever evil you've found
Bring all of your troubles
And come lay 'em down

We're all tied to the same old failings
Finding shelter in things we know
We're all dirty like corrupted small towns
We'll bring our troubles
We'll bring our troubles lay 'em down

All you rich men
And the high above
All those with
And without love
All you burdened
Broken down
Bring all of your troubles
Come lay 'em down

The playlist kept on rolling, and I began to notice something. I was about 30 minutes into my run and wasn't the least bit tired and had no aches at all. As I headed back to the end of the road I had planned to take, I decided to take a different route and go a little farther. Then the song "Your love, oh Lord" by Third Day came on, from Psalm 36.

Your love, oh Lord
Reaches to the heavens
Your faithfulness stretches to the sky
Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains
Your justice flows like the ocean's tide

I will lift my voice
To worship You, my King
I will find my strength
In the shadow of your wings

I began to have an energy I could not explain. I felt as if a balm was being poured over my soul. I kept running. As I ran on, my senses became accutely aware of my surroundings, and I became more and more aware of how abnormal this run was. By this point, I was running hills - up and down I went, and my pulse didn't seem any more than if I were sitting in a chair at home. My knee didn't hurt, I didn't feel like I was sweating, my chest wasn't burning, I wasn't thirsty or weak. At one point, I remember literally looking down at my body to make sure I was running and not walking. It just didn't make sense. I ran on. As the words of the song coursed through my veins, I felt God speaking them to me and I experienced an indescribable peace.

God began to show me that it was Him sustaining me through this run. This was not me. He will help me to do many incredible and mighty things, but there is no room for pride or boasting, because my purpose is to glorify Him. There is unlimited potential to what He can do through me, but I must give Him the glory so that through me others may find Him.

As for me, may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of that cross, my interest in this world has been crucified, and the world's interest in me has also died. Galatians 6:14

I asked God to keep speaking to me. I ran past the spot where shortly after I turned 16, I drove off the road going about 100mph and landed in the only patch of blackberries in a road entirely lined with trees. Once again, I felt humbled that my life had been spared, despite my foolish actions.

I ran past the former home of a dear Christian woman, Nancy, who now lives in Heaven. She is the mother of one of my dearest friends. I felt her cheering me on, and nostalgia swept over me. My eyes were full of tears.

As I neared the bottom of Harper Hill, I decided to turn left and run to the Harper Dock. I ran out to the end of the dock. It was amazing to be out there - surrounded by water on both sides. I lifted my arms to Heaven and looked out at the beauty around me. My eyes were drawn to movement in the water nearby, and I thought I might be about to see a whale or sea lion. I asked God to show me what beautiful creation He had for me to see. I continued jogging in place and had decided to move on when I felt God telling me to wait. This happened twice. I excitedly awaited seeing the creature up close. Surely it would be amazing if God had wanted me to see it. The bubbles came closer. Finally, I saw it......two scuba divers passed beneath me. "This is my most beautiful and precious creation," God said to me. I can't really describe the awe I felt in this moment. It was definitely what some might call a moment of truth.

I ran on, now an hour into my run....still not tired, hurting, or thirsty...full of energy. I ran around the waterfront, up and down hills. I turned off my iPod so I could hear oncoming cars on the narrow winding road, and I began to feel God's presense a little less closely. I began to wonder how far I had run. I began to plan the rest of my run, capitalizing on this amazing situation. I would run down to the ferry dock, then up to the top of Southworth via a long steep hill, up a few sideroads, then back home. I was starting to think how awesome it was that I had been running for so long and so far without even breathing hard or hurting at all. I remembered Jason telling me only a small percentage of the population could run for more than an hour.

I was 3/4 the way up the steep part of the big hill when I heard God's voice again....telling me to stop and turn around. WHAT? This defied every aspect of my personality.....I don't start up any big hill I have planned to conquer and stop, not in this or any area of life...especially if there is nothing wrong. Surely He didn't really mean to stop and turn around...not when I've been going for so long....when I haven't had any pains?! I had come this far! Surely this wasn't God's voice I was hearing. Besides, would it really matter if I went the rest of the way? I was almost there! This was crazy! I stopped to stretch, fully intending to keep going. I did. I rounded the corner and continued to progress toward the top. Certainly it wouldn't really matter, right? I mean, why would He carry me on this long journey just to have me stop right before the pinacle...the very top of the biggest hill? (I guess in my heart, I probably knew the answer to this question.)

There He was again....complete with the pressure on my chest...."Turn around now.....Turn around now....Turn around now.....It's time to go home" I heard. Ok, God. Yes, I'll obey......I turned around and headed back. He began to show me my need to listen closely to discern His voice and then to obey it, even when it seems to go against everything in me....when it's not convenient to my nature. A muscle in my leg started to hurt. I've never had pain there before, so I dubbed it my "disobedience muscle".

I'm still amazed that despite God having just given me such a beautiful gift, one that I was even still in the midst of experiencing, I still wanted to rebel....my own nature wanted to triumph and receive even the small glory of setting my route and goal....even though I knew the entire run I was riding on the wings of eagles. I just couldn't obey when I first heard His voice.

Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak!" Matthew 26:41

I arrived home 1hr and 41 minutes after I left....not tired, not weak, not thirsty or hungry, a normal pulse - my sore "disobedience muscle" my only indication I had been running for so long. I think I could have run for hours on end. I'm sure I could have had God willed it.

I drank a glass of water, fed my baby girl, and took a shower. A few hours later as it neared dinner, I realized I had forgotten to eat lunch. All of these things are very abnormal for me, for I typically need to drink and eat very soon after running much shorter distances. It's as if God was telling me, "I am sufficient. I will sustain you."

In the two days since the big run, I have been reminded of how very miraculous that day was. Tonight, I was at the gym and chose to do the stationary bicycle in order to give my body a rest. 15 minutes into my workout, I was sweating and my heart was pounding. I was reminded that it is like this but worse most every time I run.

I wish I could say that that 1 hr and 41 minutes took hold of my heart and mind, never to return to my former struggles. I think part of human nature simply prevents that. However, I do have that experience to remind me that I can do everything through him who gives me strength...Phillipians 4:13

In case you ever wanted to be a GLADIATOR....

2010-06-11T17:26:00.000-07:00

.....do I have the shoe for you! Having been shopping several times recently, I'm struck by the fact that I have apparently fallen behind in the ins and outs of fashion.

For those of you who have a closet full of shoes you know and love, well.....you can rest and relax in the amusement of the season's latest fashions. If you are in desperate need of shoes, well....you might have a bit of a hard time finding them
....unless of course, you're looking to be a GLADIATOR!!!

Gladiators have options these days!!! From the
simple and strappy...to the heavily
bejeweled....There is a shoe for everyone!

and in case you are ever in intense gladiatorial
combat, caught up by your very own shoe,
these shoes have a zipper release for
quick escape....

Ah....now here are shoes with
both form AND function! They
come complete with a lead (or harness).
You can "pull yourself up by the bootstraps," so
to speak. Just make sure the other gladiator
doesn't get ahold of the strap!

These are the post event shoes...
(for the winner, that is)......soft, comfortable,
breathable ....what more could you ask for?

"Listen to me. Learn from me. I was not the best because I killed quickly. I was the best because the crowd loved me. Win the crowd and you will win your freedom."

Proximo, Gladiator

"It's easier to win a crowd with GREAT SHOES!!!" Ann Ordway

My Two Geppettos

2010-06-09T23:50:00.000-07:00

Recently, we purchased a Veggie Tale DVD entitled "Pistachio" (obviously, a twist on the classic Pinocchio). The boys adore this new movie and have watched it many times.....(perhaps for the last time given its untimely demise with Emet using the DVD as a skate to slide across the room...but that's a story for another time...)

Yesterday morning, the boys were playing outside and I was in the living room doing my Bible study. I had given strict instructions for them not to come in unless someone was dying. However, I heard the door creak open. I asked Caleb what he was doing and he told me he needed a hat for Pistachio. The door slammed shut, and off he went.

I followed outside a few minutes later and heard the boys in the garage. As I entered the garage, each of my sons eagerly showed me the toy he was making. Caleb said, "We're making toys for sick kids - kids that are in the hospital, and kids that don't have any toys."..."Making toys for sick kids!", Emet returned, as is his custom these days...to repeat everything Caleb says.

Before me sat two pieces of firewood, one with a stocking hat. Each boy showed me the face he had hammered into the firewood. (I couldn't really see any, but I trust they were there - at least in their vivid imaginations!) A proud Mama I was.

Lest you think my children are saints, however, today's story was a bit different. Emet came in screaming from outside telling me Caleb had hit him in the head with Papa's framing hammer! I comforted my youngest, then went outside to talk to Caleb. I explained how hitting someone with a hammer is very dangerous and if you hit them hard enough, you could kill them. (We have to use extremes sometimes to get our point across.) I told him that he had lost privilege of using tools for a long while and would have to discuss the situation with Papa when he got home.

Later that evening, I asked Caleb if he had told Papa about what happened with the hammer. He returned, "You mean when I tried to kill Emet?" :-)

My treasure in jars of clay

2010-06-07T00:55:00.000-07:00

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." 2 Corinthians 4:7

I have noticed over time, that part of the great mercy of God is that He doesn't show us all of our weaknesses all at once but one at a time. During the past months, a struggle I have had in my faith has been pressed upon my heart over and over and over - fear of loss. There are some things in life that mean more to us than anything.....more than life itself. For me, that has been my husband and children. I've always had what some may consider to be a strange prayer.......that I would never, ever be separated from my Jason....that we would be together until our very last breaths deep into our old age....and that we might die in our sleep, if the Lord didn't come first.

Many may consider this silly, a childish hope of a weak and simple faith...unrealistic perhaps....unlikely. My great grandmother, whom I never met, found herself facing the loss of her dear husband of many years as he had cancer. She prayed fervently that God would take her too, because she didn't want to live without her husband. And, you know? He did. As his cancer was in the final stages, they were headed to the hospital - perhaps for the last time and were both killed in a car accident on the way there. In a way, this is tragic. It was a tragic, beautiful love story. It is something I have clung to my whole life. I didn't know I would have this great fear until I met my Jason nearly 14 years ago, but as our relationship progressed, I grew more and more fearful of losing him someday. It was a thought I couldn't bear and so began my prayer to God.

Over time, this prayer has come to encompass my children too, and of course - their children as well. I have begun to fear tragedy or loss of any sort in my life. In 2006, I nearly lost Jason when he broke his back in a mountain biking accident. I can still hear the neurosurgeon telling me he hadn't ever seen anything like it and that it was a miracle that he wasn't paralyzed, and had he not been wearing a full face helmet, he likely would have been killed. However, here we are....Jason is healthy and well, having run a marathon and become father to two more beautiful children since then.

However, all around me I see tragedy, I witness despair in the lives of those I know and love. My friend lost her 4 month baby girl to SIDS, another to a rare heart defect; one of my very best friends lost her mother to cancer.....my dear friend Julie died unexpectedly at the age of 34, leaving behind 4 young children and a husband....a 9 year old boy died of leukemia after a 2 year battle....a healthy husband and father dies unexpectedly of a heart attack.

My heart hurts.....my soul cries out. Why God? Why? And, what's more....who am I that you would honor my prayer when all of these people suffer such tragedy in their lives? You love them no less than me. During their sufferings though, I have seen such great evidence of your presence. I have seen your strong hand upholding them. I see your faithfulness to your children to get them through. It is clear.

Yet, I become paralyzed with fear. I want to cling to my loved ones with every ounce of strength I have. I want to wrap them up and protect them. I want to hold them in the palm of my hand and not let go - ever. I AM AFRAID. GOD HELP ME. If the sheer force of my love and hope and prayer could determine anything......I would have the strength to move mountains. No earthly power could overcome me.

And yet.....the gentle voice of my Father calls to me. "Take my hand. Trust me. They are my children and I love them. You are my child and I love you. Open your tightly clenched fist and place them in My hands. Allow Me to move freely in your life. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me."

Ah, Father....that I could trust and obey! You see? I so fear that me taking that step to trust will require me giving up those things which I hold most dear. I fear that my very biggest fear will be what needs to be tested and I don't want to be tested. I am not strong enough. I can't bear it. I know you say that you are sufficient, but I can't wrap my mind around that. I'm even afraid to reach out my hand and ask for help lest you need to prove it to me. I can barely write through the stream of tears blurring my vision. My soul is anguished.

Each night, I pray over my sleeping children and husband - I lay my hands on their little foreheads and watch them sleep. I touch their little noses and say, "God bless you, dear bug." They are beautiful.....healthy.....whole....spiritually, mentally, and physically. It seems my life is perfect in all the ways that really matter and in my own limited, human perspective, it can only get worse from here. How could it be any better than what I have? And, people are always saying...."Trouble happens to us all" and "If you're not experiencing trials now, then you will". Everyone has trials. Everyone dies sometime.

Pam, a dear family friend and a wonderful mentor to me, has experienced more tragedy than most could fathom. She has lost two husbands, her brother, and most recently her adult daughter, and my friend, Julie. She recently wrote me an e-mail that once again reminded me that God hears my pain, that he knows my hurts, and that He wants to help me. She wrote:

"During my time of just waiting in God’s presence, you came to mind regarding both your eye appointment and the Jensen family. Reading Steve and Vicki’s poignant emails has been emotional for me, both for what they are going through and because of my memories of the final days and weeks of Jim’s life.

I don’t know how to convey in an email what is on my heart that I desire to share with you. I wish we could get together over a long lunch and talk, but alas distance—and the fact that you are a busy wife and mom—prohibit that. So I am just going to write a few thoughts, share a couple of Scriptures and pray that God will do the work in your heart. After all, He is God and He is more than capable.

Knowing how deeply you love your family—your immediate family, including your parents—and just a bit about the fears that you have regarding losing any of them (even though we know that any separation in this life is only temporary), I somehow want to communicate to you how much God longs for your security to be firmly established in Him. He wants that to be in your heart. You have it in your head. That is apparent in how you write about the Jensen family and your admiration for what they are going through. You see them facing one of the hardest things parents must go through with a confidence and trust that can only come from the presence of God. That is giving you great hope that God will see you through anything. And yes, He will. But He wants you to know that on a heart level as well. Because then and only then will you be able to face the challenges of each day with an assurance that “God is enough”. And that God can be trusted.

God is trustworthy and therefore without reservation we can pray, “thy will be done in my life”. You and I both know this is not a one-time prayer, but one that
we must reaffirm each day. We are not to worry about the tomorrows. They have enough trouble. Every morning, God wants us to run to Him, believing that He is “more than enough” for whatever that day holds.

The heart of what I want to communicate with you is something that I heard Andy Stanley say in a series from last year called, “He’s Still Got the Whole World in His Hands.” In part two of that three-part series, he shared an insight in Philippians 4:4-7 that was revelatory to me. So often we tell people not to worry but to pray with thanksgiving and God’s peace will come. Andy pointed out something really interesting about a word that often gets overlooked, the word “present”. We won’t break through to “peace” until we’ve come to God with what our deep needs and requests are. Begin with the topic (your eye appointment, Jason’s job etc) but don’t stop there. What are you really praying for? What are the deep needs/fears that are really represented. Those are what we must present to God in order to get lasting peace. When I pray for finances, am I really praying just about the money to pay the bills—or does it go beyond the worry that I won’t have enough money to pay the bills to a fear that no one will take care of me. When I desire to pray “not my will but yours” but feel I’m holding back a little part of me, I need to pray until I get to the real need. Do I really trust God? Or if I pray that way, He might require someone or something that I can’t imagine living without. Is a man’s prayer about a job just about the job—or the need to have respect among his peers. The examples are endless, but my timer just went off, so I need to get ready for an appointment.

I will close with a couple of Scriptures and the encouragement to you that I experientially know that God is enough to see me through each trial that comes. I know that—and yet I am still learning it (a lesson I will likely keep learning every day of my life). I have a few of those underlying needs and fears of my own, that God is helping me learn to present to Him—and to pray until the peace comes.

I love you Annie—and God loves you so much more. Come to Him in honesty. Ask Him to reveal what is underlying every fear and concern you have—and then pray until the peace comes. Because it will. Because God is faithful. Because God is trustworthy.

Psalm 62:8 Trust in, lean on, rely on, and have confidence in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before Him. God is a refuge for us (a fortress and a high tower). Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! AMP

Isaiah 54:10 For though the mountains should depart and the hills be shaken or removed, yet My love and kindness shall not depart from you, nor shall My covenant of peace and completeness be removed, says the Lord, Who has compassion on you. AMP "

Heavenly Father,

Please help me to be able to believe these words in my deepest heart. Help me to trust you....no matter what. I wish I could say I have hands open to you....that I fully trust you with my heart. I want to, but I am so afraid.

God, I tentatively lay these treasures before you, but know that I'm still holding on. I know that in the big picture, my tiny little grip doesn't have too much to do with the outcome of anything. However, the heart of this wife and mother just can't seem to let go yet. I know your arms are a safer and better place than my weak hands. I'm trying to believe this in my heart. Please be patient with me.

I am a jar of clay, weak and chipped...easily broken.

Hear my prayer, O LORD, listen to my cry for help; be not deaf to my weeping.

Psalm 39:12

Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress.

Psalm 71:3

Memorial Day

2010-05-31T23:53:00.000-07:00

A memorial involves the preserving the memory of a person or thing.....so to commemorate this Memorial Day, I wish to remember this day of my life, and the choices we made this day.

After an extended 4 day weekend filled with fun, friends, bonfires, BBQ, Bible study and a movie night, we found ourselves entering this day tired and feeling a little behind. Yet, Jason started the day by allowing me to sleep in as he got the children ready for the day and made pancakes and eggs......his specialty. This used to be a weekend tradition, but it has since been replaced with our Saturday morning bakery visit and Sunday services, so it was fun to revisit this tradition - now with little Anna Ruth happily rolling around on the floor beside our table.

After breakfast, there were a thousand things weighing on both Jason and I after a busy weekend.....basic housekeeping, yard work, remodel progress, exercise, preparing for the week ahead, etc., etc. Yet all day, I felt a great need to just be with my family.....be with my husband....to enjoy this day that I had been given with them. The thing is, those other things are always there - pressing on the mind, day after day. I believe we could completely absorb ourselves in the details of their completion and wake up one day well into our advanced years and wonder how the time had passed without our noticing.

So today, we had our wonderful breakfast and planted our garden. We took a 2 hour late afternoon nap - yes, all of us, each in our own beds. After waking up from our nap, Jason and I talked for about a half hour before waking up the children and making a dinner of leftover pizza. We then headed outdoors for some family time working on the playhouse. The boys are so very excited about this idea, and we are making it all from scraps of wood we already have. It is also being built as a family...meaning that little hands pound nails too, a matter in which they take great pride.

Today's choices were fairly significant for us, for they involved the laying aside of those many things weighing on our minds and the pressure of a free day at home to accomplish them. It involved both Jason and I acknowledging that our weeks disappear in a flurry of activity and daily responsibilities void of time to simply relax together and talk alone. We don't have much time to reconnect, or even just cuddle and nap. We don't have much time together with our children as a family unit...all five of us.

Today was an important reminder that sometimes we simply need to make time to reconnect. After all, we didn't get married with the sole goal of accomplishing a to-do list. And yes, it may mean that the trim work in the Ordway home, among many other things, will be longer in coming.......that we may not button things up to refinance in the ideal window of time....that we may have a growing pile of unfolded laundry. And, as silly as these things may seem, they certainly do weigh on the mind.

And yet? If we only had this day together, what would I rather remember? That we folded our laundry and vacuumed the carpet? That our window was trimmed? That the corn was planted? No, I think I'll take the refueling time I had with my husband that will allow us some leeway to jump back into the fray, to keep working through the craziness of each day working side by side, if not interacting much. And, I'll definitely take the memories we made today as a family......the treasure I now have in my treasure chest.

Confidence Booster 101: Find a 4 year old!!

2010-05-20T19:46:00.000-07:00

OK, so for all of the challenges a four year old brings to the table, he is learning the way into Mama's heart!!!!!!!!!! (Watch out girls, I'm tellin you - he's a ladies man in the making!)

He frequently tells me, "You look pretty, Mama.".....even when I'm not feeling a bit pretty...

(Melts my heart every time.)

Yesterday, he was looking at copy of Fitness magazine I had laid on the couch. (ok - probably not the best thing to have laying around for your young boys to look at, but I had borrowed it from the gym to copy a few recipees out of and left it laying out.) He sees a picture of a pretty girl in a swimsuit and calls out, "MAMA!!!!! Guess whose picture I found in here?!?!" "Who?", I asked.

"It's YOU, Mama!! Mama, is this really you?!"

(SCORE!!! I'll take it, even if it's from my 4 year old son! )

Tonight, as I laid the dinner plates out for he and Emet, Caleb said, "Thank you for dinner, Mama. It was sweet of you to make dinner!"

(Son, you are getting an extra night time cookie tonight.)

a few mintues later, "It kind of tastes like chicken, but you did a nice job!" (It was tuna) :-)

Anna Ruth

2010-05-05T20:29:00.001-07:00

"It is no slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us." Charles Dickens

Six months ago today you were born. So many joys I have captured in my heart these past six months, Little One. It must be true that a Mother's love is never ending, ever able to embrace more, love more, for just as with your Papa and big brothers, I am able to love you with what seems like my whole heart. From the very beginning, you have been a most precious jewel, loved and doted on by all of us.

You are a sweet and gentle spirit, patient and kind, even as a little baby. Your name, Anna, is derived from the Hebrew name Hannah and means gracious and merciful. Ruth is also a Hebrew name meaning friendship. You were named after me and also your Grandpa B's cousin Ruth, a dear Christian woman who passed away the year before you were born. You have embodied the meaning of your name since birth.....gracious and merciful friendship, for you are the sweetest and most gentle baby imaginable....patient, rarely crying, frequent to smile with your sweet, joyful smile, sparkling big blue eyes, rosy pink cheeks, and long, curly eyelashes which you blink ever so slowly. You are happy for long periods of time, wherever we put you, and are content to entertain yourself...though you show great joy with a deliciously big sparkling smile every time anyone comes over to talk to you. You make it so easy to be your Mama.

You were born on November 7, 2009. The night before your birth, all of your grandparents and our close family and friends were at our house to celebrate your big brothers' 4th and 2nd birthdays. We had a lovely time and your brothers enjoyed having a special party just for them. It was as if you and God had it all planned...waiting until everyone was in town and letting your brothers have their special day before making your entrance. That's just the gentle, giving spirit you seem to have, even as a baby. I had been having mild contractions that day following my 41 week exam, where I was dilated to 4 cm. Just as the party was ending, my contractions seemed to be getting more regular. Papa and I went for a walk with Justin, Becca, Randy, and Allison over in the neighbors long driveway, and during the course of a 45 minute walk, my contractions became more regular. As our friends departed their ways, Papa and I headed to the hospital with Grandpa and Grandma B. Caleb and Emet stayed at home with Auntie Sharla, excitedly wearing their new Big Brother pajamas from Grandma B.

They checked me in for admission and I was 5-6 cm dilated and 90% effaced. I had decided to do a water labor instead of having an epidural as I had before. The water really helped the labor process and I wanted to listen to instrumental Christmas music (the Peaceful Christmas album) over and over and over. Your Papa is a very patient man! By 1:30am, I was at 8cm. By around 2:30am the pain was very intense. In fact, I might have said the pain was intolerable at the time! You were born at 3:31am, weighing 8lbs 15oz and 19.5 inches long with a 36cm head circumference (in other words - large, as 32 is average!) Giving birth to you was the most excruciatingly painful experience of my life thus far. I can still see the hospital bed handrail I was gripping so tightly as if it would somehow save my very life!

They laid you directly on my chest. I snuggled you close to me, but I was so tired and shaking with exhaustion that I couldn't even open my eyes for more than a second at a time to look at you. I remember trying over and over, but I couldn't stop shaking or open my eyes. So, I just nuzzled you close and as long as I patted you on the back, you didn't cry.

Our hospital stay was fairly short and quiet, because all of the hospitals in the area were worried about the spread of the H1N1 virus. All of your grandparents were allowed to come, but none of our friends, so we headed home on Sunday so that Auntie Sharla could see you before heading home and our friends and family could come and meet you!

Caleb and Emet were so excited when we pulled into the driveway. I can still see them jumping up and down in the window wearing the Big Brother shirts that Allie had bought them and peering excitedly into your car seat to see their new baby sister. Caleb wanted so badly to hold you, so that is one of the first things you did when you got home is to be held by your big brother Caleb, with Emet sitting right next to him, showing you his new toys he had received for his birthday.

I can't believe how quickly the past six months have gone bye, Anna Ruth. How I have wanted to forever capture so many precious moments within these walls of words. There are times in life of which we may forget the specifics, but I truly believe that each of those tender moments that are so poignant at the time must leave an indelible impression on our very soul, leaving us forever changed.

Some of the things I remember most vividly from the past six months I'll try to capture, but endless pages could not capture all of the precious moments I have marked on my heart...

Nursing you late at night, then sitting in front of a roaring fireplace with you snuggled in fetal position on my chest, so tiny and little. I would often sit there until the wee hours of the morning holding you close to me, feeling your breath on my chest and your little body rise and fall with sleep.

Papa sleeping on the couch and having you cuddled close on his chest. He so wanted to soak up every minute he could get with you once he came home from work as your big brothers often dominated his time until they were tucked into bed.

Caleb holding you with the nursing pillow propping you up to keep you safe and close to him on the couch. He loves to touch your little face with his, giving you gentle kisses and nuzzling you.

Allie's Gramps holding you days after you arrived from Heaven...and days before he went to Heaven, like two ships passing in the night

You playing baby Jesus in the Christmas play. You did so well! We were proud of you.

Emet glowing with pride and joy and excitement when you smile or coo at him

Emet pronouncing your name, "Anna Roof"

How the boys call you "Missy" and "Sissy"

Papa's call: Anna.....(everyone else says...."Roooooof")

How you stare at us with your enormous blue eyes, then ever so slowly bat your long, beautiful eyelashes

Your first smile on Christmas Eve!

Your first cooing noises in early January....and you have cooed and wooed us ever since!

How quickly you took off, growing and growing and growing...You're my big girl!

In mid February, you began laughing out loud. Your car seat in the middle row faces Caleb and Emet's in the back row. Caleb started trying to make you smile and you started chuckling at him. He was so proud to be the first to make you laugh!

In early March, you transitioned from sucking your fist, to finding your thumb...and that thumb has been your close friend ever since! You mostly suck your left thumb, and it's almost always when you are really tired or really hungry. Every time we lay you down for a nap, you immediately find your thumb and close your eyes - turning your head to the right and up in what looks to be a very uncomfortable position!

On your 5 month birthday, you had your first real tears streaming down your face when crying. How this broke your Mama's heart!

A week later at Grandma and Grandpa B's house, you rolled from your tummy to your back...and about a week later from your back to your tummy.

Every time we put you in your little mini crib to sleep now, you reach up and pull down both little white teddy bears that hang from the canopy.

When you wake from sleeping, you'll often just find your thumb and happily remain in your crib until someone comes to find you. What a blessing you are to a Mama of two busy little boys!

You love to look at books!! I have noticed this for a couple of months ....how you seem to very intently look at the pictures of any stories we are reading. I think you'll love to read someday.

You're a great observer, slowly turning toys in your hands to look at them.

Storytime before nap time. I sit you in your baby bumbo seat in front of the wood stove in between Caleb and Emet, and the three of you face me as I read you stories - one for each of you. You seem so interested in the books! And each of your brothers scoots as close to you as possible.

When we give you a bath, your little rolls are everywhere! You are so cute! Then we dress you in warm, fuzzy pajamas, with little bunnies or teddy bears on them. Your sweet smelling skin and duck fluffy clean hair make you irresistible.

Calling you Ru, Ru-Bear, Tiny Bear, and Mama's Princess.

Your two bottom front teeth poking through as of a few days ago. So cute. You have barely even cried during this teething.

You look just like my baby pictures. You're Mama's little girl!! I love you!!

Sweet baby girl, here are a million special things I haven't captured in these words. However, one thing is for sure...you have stolen our hearts. We love you and look forward to so many more special memories as you grow into the beautiful little girl God has made you to be. Happy 1/2 birthday!

let them eat cake

2010-04-24T20:35:00.000-07:00

This morning we went out for our Saturday morning bakery tradition. Before leaving, Caleb and I headed towards the bathroom. When I looked behind me, I saw Caleb holding out his finger to me sheepishly, having stuck his finger into a fudge torte on one of the open shelves. He didn't seem to know just what to do with himself now that he had made a drastic mistake, recognizable immediately even to him.

After going to the bathroom, Caleb had to tell the cake decorator that he had stuck his finger in the cake and that he was sorry and would like to buy it. Poor guy - he was so overwhelmed with fear and embarrassment...but she helped him through. He bought the cake for $13.00 out of his spending money (or Wilco money, as he would call it, as he likes to buy little $3 and $5 toys at Wilco Farm Store.) The lady asked him if he would like his name on it, and so we had Caleb, Emet, and Anna Ruth put on the cake in his choice of color (red). We then decided that it would be my birthday cake!

When we got home, Caleb told Jason, "Don't forget that I need to pay you money!" It was hardest for him to give up his five dollar bill. However, he has been a pretty good sport about it today despite having drained most of his spending money (which is an accumulation of birthday money, Christmas money and the like.)

We all just finished enjoying a slice of delicious fudge cake. It was an expensive lesson for him, but it certainly was tasty!

It has begun....

2010-04-17T22:17:00.000-07:00

You know how you always wonder when things start? You think back on your life and ask, "At what point did I start to do this or that?"....well...

Tonight, our family was curled up on the couch watching Jane Austin's Pride and Predjudice. Out of nowhere Caleb said to me, "Mama? You know the one I like to look at is Lizzie." Startled, I asked, "Why do you like to look at Lizzie, Caleb?"

"Because she's nice to look at."

Well, there you go. Caleb - age 4 years 5 months and 15 days is officially noticing girls. I'm pretty sure that he isn't aware of what any of this means....yet.....

Yikes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll take all the snuggles I can get

2010-04-08T17:58:00.000-07:00

All three of my babies are sleeping. As it was nearing 5:30pm, I snuck upstairs to begin the waking process, so the nighttime routine would not drag on tonight. As I saw Caleb laying on the guest bed, curled into a ball sleeping, I realized what a rarity this is nowadays. Normally, he spends a while reading or chattering to himself in mama imposed "nap time", but rarely does he sleep.

Not wanting to miss a chance, I climbed up behind him and snuggled in close to my eldest son, now 4 years old. I ran my hands through his hair and traced the features of his face, holding him tightly. It struck me that someday in the not so distant future, I won't be able to do that at all. Soon, even, he'll be of that school age when a mama's hug isn't the best thing in the world anymore. My arms and my lap won't be the spot argued amongst siblings.

And so.....as 5:30 became 6pm, I snuggled next to Caleb....holding on to whatever snuggles I could get. As I got up, I asked Caleb if he needed a bit more time to wake up. He sleepily nodded yes. "I love you, KB", I told him. "I love you too", he said....and rolled onto his side to sleep some more.

How precious and fleeting are my moments with these babies. How I love them.....

...it's disgusting!

2010-03-22T14:47:00.000-07:00

Having made Caleb and Emet peanut butter and honey sandwhiches with carrots and milk, I set up their lunch on the picnic table outside the kitchen, as it was a beautiful day outside.

After finishing his lunch, Caleb brought in his dishes, and setting them down on the counter, he said, "Well, I ate all of my sandwhich, but I didn't eat that honey on my plate, because it tastes disgusting!"

"Caleb", I replied, "It isn't nice to tell people that the lunch they made you tastes disgusting. It makes people feel sad in their heart when you say things like that."

"Well, Mama," he returned, "...it's just the flavor that tastes disgusting. I still love you though!"

men, sports, guns...and why they matter to me

2010-03-18T17:11:00.000-07:00

To my favorite men...

For all of the times that I have wondered what good it would do me to sit and listen for hours (and hours) on end about sports and guns, to go shooting, carry a pistol, and the like - I guess the past couple of days have taught me a few lessons....that sometimes we don't listen and learn and do because it is of immediate interest to us...but because it helps us to share and be involved in the lives of others...to be companions and friends....and to bring joy.

If it weren't for Tony Dungy or my friend Randy, I don't think I'd have gone to so many football games....and yet, that has brought my little boys so much joy and has been a catalyst for some great family time and bonding with my own husband. Plus, somewhere in there, I learned that I actually like to watch football (and might actually enjoy playing if it weren't for the fear of being crushed and broken by hundreds of pounds of sweaty men.)

I also would never have thought twice about setting up a bracket for the NCAA Tournament challenge, but it seemed like a fun thing to do with friends, so when Randy suggested it, I thought "why not?" Yet, two days later, I was able to join a group to encourage a little boy struggling with cancer who finds great joy in this yearly challenge. I wouldn't have even understood the invitation or reference had I not spent a few minutes the day before taking the time to figure it all out.

Today, yet again - I was blessed by my hours of "gun exposure". I took the children over to visit Mr. Harold, Grandma Marion's friend who lives in a rest home down the street. He is one of the most content and happy old men I have known....sitting in his chair and smiling, always cooperating with the caregivers, never complaining about his lot in life. A life-long bachelor who gets visits from his nieces and nephews as they can fit it into their busy lives, and faithfully by, of course, Grandma Marion. He frequently asks Grandma Marion about the children (Caleb, Emet, and Anna Ruth) and comments on how much they must be growing.

Mr. Harold rarely wears his hearing aids, so most often when we visit, he smiles contentedly and watches us interact for half hour or so before we take our leave to go home. You have to sit really close to him and practically yell to talk to him, and I never know quite what to discuss, save for the same topics I politely bring up each time....his love for Cocker Spaniels, the weather, and how much the children have grown. Today, however, I glanced over at his table and saw a Guns and Ammo magazine with Reuger's latest compact carry pistol, the SR9c. As it appeared to be very similar to mine, I reached over for the magazine and flipped to the article. I saw Harold's gaze follow my actions, so I commented that I had a similar pistol that I took with me when I went running. It brings a smile to my face to remember this moment. Harold's eyes lit up and he started asking me all sorts of questions about my gun. (And I'm very proud to say, I knew the answer to all of them....many thanks to the men in my life!) Bingo! I had found the key to Mr. Harold's heart. We must have spent an hour talking about all sorts of guns and manufacturers, bullet size, shotguns, and the like. He was VERY impressed when I told him I had shot a .44 magnum six-shooter. Oddly enough, his hearing didn't seem to be an issue.

He shared with me about how when he was a little boy, he loved guns (big surprise there) but he could never afford any. He told me how our current president didn't like guns! He mentioned how he had a shotgun that he had given to his nephew. Then, he got a little shy, and told me that if I would like, he could show me what his shotgun looked like. This brought a lump to my throat - which I of course shoved down, as I riffled through his dresser drawer looking for the brouchure he was having me find. Here this happy little old man wasn't so much different than my own husband, or the other men I love so much. He was a little boy at heart and was offering me his deepest treasure on a platter, asking for me to share his joy. Finally, I found it, the well worn brochure he had no doubt reviewed a thousand times before purchasing his long awaited shotgun nearly 2 years ago and 90 some odd years into his life. It was a Connecticut Shotgun RBL-28, 28 guage, side-by-side double barrel shotgun with beautiful walnut wood, elaborate metal work with a dog engraved on each side and a bird on the bottom. His eyes were full of tenderness as he showed me each feature with pride. It had cost him $3600 for the base model. Grandma Marion later told me she had listened to him talk about that gun for months before ordering it, then for months on end as he anticipated its arrival. Harold had given the gun to his nephew when he moved to the rest home and has never had a chance to shoot the very gun that he had wanted for so long. Yet, in typical Mr. Harold fashion, he mentioned it in a happy way - with no bitterness or frustration.

I told him that we could make it work for him to go shooting, even if he just sat in the car. He didn't seem to think he was strong enough to go on this type of outing but a sparkle remained in his eyes. Maybe if the weather was good. Maybe in the Summer. He said that his nephew had shot the gun and it didn't have much kickback. (According to Grandma Marion, this was one of the things he was worried about...perhaps breaking a bone or something.) He said his nephew told him he would take him, but it hadn't worked out yet. I wonder if this is one of those "maybe someday promises" or if Mr. Harold just didn't believe in himself enough to go. Grandma Marion also mentioned that he really would like to drive by his old home again, which isn't too far from here. However, she is too afraid to try to lift him into and out of the car.

I guess the reason I want these things for him so badly, is that today I was reminded, once again, that God is our Father - one and all. Harold is his child, his little boy, just as my sons are my children, my little boys. Harold has hopes and dreams just like the rest of us. His time is just a little shorter, his circumstance more frail. Yet, inside that contented, wrinkled old man that sits happily in his room day after day, month after month, complaining of nothing, is a man as whole and alive as you.....the men I love most.

So - thanks, guys - thanks for the countless hours of gun talk, for making me want a pistol, for inviting me to go to games and join in pools and brackets, for having me lift weights, for even assuming I would care to know. I do.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven..." Ecclesiastes 3:1

By the way, in case you are interested....

http://www.rblshotgun.com/
http://www.ruger.com/products/sr9c/index.html

Ann

Four Year Old Poison Control

2010-03-03T12:13:00.000-08:00

As I sit at the kitchen island, I see Caleb come up the stairs and press his face into the window - holding two rhododendron leaves. He opens the door and asks me if these would make good lettuce. "No", I say. "Those are rhododendron leaves and they are poisonous to eat."

Five minutes later I look out the window to see Caleb wacking away at the rhododendron bush with a shovel. (Emet, emulating his brother but not really "getting it", is wacking away at my beautiful japanese maple right next to it.) I open the door and shout to Caleb, "Stop! What are you doing?!" With a very concerned and confused look on his face Caleb tells me, "Well, I don't like rhododendrons. They're poisonous!" :-)

First Laughter

2010-02-10T17:00:00.000-08:00

There is absolutely nothing more contageous or infectious than a little child's laughter.....and today, our little Anna Ruth gave us her first real chuckle!! We had just returned home from Costco, and Caleb hopped out of his booster seat and started his usual banter with Anna Ruth, while Emet slept soundly in his carseat. Soon, I hear a little laugh coming from Anna Ruth as she giggled back at her brother's silly smiles and antics. What fun to tell Caleb that his little sister's first laugh was with him! Here's looking forward to many more joyful noises in days and years to come.

Blessed be childhood, which brings down something of heaven into the midst of our rough earthliness.-- Henri Frederic Amiel

Stolen Moments

2010-02-03T16:43:00.000-08:00

Anna Ruth - I just held you today, for almost an hour, while you slept in my arms. You fell asleep after I nursed you, something you don't do much anymore, and both of your brothers were asleep upstairs for naptime. And so, I just snuggled you close and read. It reminded me of the times during your first few weeks of life, when you would fall asleep every night as I nursed you. I would hold you for a long time each night, Papa asleep on the couch by my side, before laying you down in your bed. I don't know when that stopped, but at sometime it just faded away and we don't do it anymore. You started to squirm or fuss when you were tired, and now when it is bedtime, you just want to be laid in your bed. Funny how it seems like so long ago, yet you are not quite 3 months old.

While I held you, I was reading a magazine from Focus on the Family called Thriving Families. There are several sections on the stages of children, 0-3, 4-7, 8-12, and teens - each with applicable stories and suggestions. As I read through these, it was as if I could literally feel time pass. Daily life races around me enough for me to have learned that these moments are precious and fleeting....that it is possible I might not have that chance again. So, as I read, I held you closer and closer, treasuring the moment in my heart.

The kitchen alarm went off to signal the end of Caleb's naptime. I jumped up from my seat with you still in my arms and turned it off, then I gently laid you - now awake - down in your swing.
It hit me then....that moment is over. Yes, I did treasure it. Yes, I soaked it up to the best of my ability. But irregardless - it's gone. And so, I'm thankful for that choice to stay there on the couch with you. I'm thankful for those stolen moments.

Adventures of the Ordway Boys: Mud and Treasures

2010-01-26T11:36:00.000-08:00

Being one who struggles with the battles of wanting things to be clean and orderly, having little boys can be a mental challenge! Sometimes it's hard for me to just enjoy the moment when seeing dirt or playdough ground into my carpet, honey smeared on the cabinet, piles of freshly laundered clothes heaped onto the dog bed, beautiful works of art colored onto the furniture, and happy, smiling children coming in from outside for the 3rd change of clothes or countless pairs of socks.

People say "Enjoy these times", "Treasure these moments", "They grow so fast", "You will miss this", "Before you know it, they'll be gone!". Trust me, every day I keep this in mind. I'm trying to capture each and every moment of this in my heart. And yet? I must admit that living in the here and now does impact me, and yes - it is a struggle sometimes just to relax and realize that during this phase of my life, part of my house will always be messy, dirty, or sticky....and I will never get as much on my "to do" list done as I had hoped. In fact, my to-do list will consist primarily of the unknown messes that will result the next day. Let's just say my daily job can be summed up as "Preschool Crisis Response Worker."

Despite all of the above thoughts, however, yesterday was a day I'll remember for a very long time to come, for it added pure joy to my soul.

It was a sunny afternoon, and I was sitting on the floor in front of the wood stove, eating my lunch and chatting on the phone while the boys played outside. Caleb and Emet had come in several times over the course of the morning to change their socks, as they had been getting them wet while playing in the driveway mud puddle. This particular time I heard the door slam, and I looked up to see Caleb running into the living room......completely naked and covered with mud from the waist down. Excitedly he told me how he and Emet were playing in the mud puddle! ("Really?!" I thought to myself - "I'd have never guessed.") As he raced back outside, I stopped in the kitchen to pick up my camera. "This one ought to be good", I thought. I looked outside to see Caleb assisting Emet to get his diaper off (which was completely covered in mud)."Please help Emet to take off his diaper and shirt!", Caleb begs.

I had a moment of panic as I realized that we were now "those people." You know the ones.....Every one of us has probably struggled with feelings of judgement as we pass a house or gaze at a neighbor's home from within the safety of our "perfect little world". In fact, it was no suprise to me that I instantly recalled with shame how I used to look out the window of our old home to see the neighbors' children filling up a mud puddle with the hose and "wallowing" in it. I remember thinking how MY children would never do that. Yes, God does have a sense of humor. If I ever doubted it, I know that now for sure!

"Well, what the heck!", I thought. Off came the diaper and shirt, and into the puddle splashed two happy, naked little boys. You would have thought nothing could have made them happier! I'm sure in that moment, that was true.

Before too long, they were ready to come inside to a warm bath with lots of soap and some Mississippi style fishin'. At one point, Caleb - toy fishing pole in hand - excitedly exclaimed "I caught one!" An unsusspecting magnetized plastic fish had happened by the murky spot where Caleb was "fishing" in the tub. You could see NOTHING in the muddy water, so the odds were against him.

All of this, of course, was later explained to me by Jason as what may result in some plumbing repair. Apparently, I should have hosed them down outside prior to bringing them in the house. But in the excitement of the muddy moment - I hadn't thought of that. I guess that's why they say, "You live and learn!" I guess I will say that yesterday was indeed a day to truly live and learn, though I can't say my learning had much to do with plumbing.......but more about life finances and the absolute treasure I hold in my account right now.

Ode to two mighty little yellow dumptrucks

2010-01-19T14:56:00.000-08:00

Two little yellow dumptrucks, once so shiny and new, now sit in a pile of rubble next to the garage.

These faithful little yellow dumptrucks have weathered many a storm, carried many a rock, and hauled many a load around the yard and driveway. Last evening, they had the unfortunate circumstance of being parked in front of the Suburban after an afternoon of hard work. Now, their dumptrucking days are over. Caleb's took the brunt of the crush, as there is no longer one part connected to another. Emet's was a little more fortunate in that it only lost a wheel. Today, however, Caleb informed me that he was riding his bike over Emet's and hitting it with a shovel so that it would be like his. Nice. Brothers. I guess this is what I missed out on as an only child.

40 Weeks, 6 Days - A lesson in Patience and Control

2009-11-03T11:24:00.000-08:00

For those of us who consider ourselves to be "planners", "type A personalities", or "detail oriented", passing your pregnancy due date is certainly a lesson in patience and control. That being said - the whole experience of pregnancy definitely works on these things, for there is very little one can do to change how the pregnancy is going. Yet, as you near the end - there is a special challenge of not being able to know exactly when the baby will arrive! And, once you pass the prescribed date of expected arrival, it just becomes a waiting game. There are 100 formulas - physical, herbal, medicinal, and otherwise to induce labor. Trust me - I've tried most, they don't always work.

It definitely makes me think of all of the perceived control I feel I have in my life.....and yet, in the grand scheme of things - I have very little control over what happens from day to day at all. Yes, there are things we can do to monitor and manage.......our health, fitness, finances, housekeeping, etc. However, in the big picture, we have little control over the larger picture of these things. All we have to do is think of those we know who have been the picture of good health and fitness....who have died of a sudden heart attack or in an accident. Those who have saved and managed their money well all of their lives, yet an economic or circumstancial crisis wipes out their life savings or takes away their income.

When Jason broke his back in August of 2005, the neurosurgeon said it was an absolute miracle that he was not killed, or at the very minimum paralyzed. He had never seen anything like it. Yet, Jason ran the Portland Marathon in October of 2008 - three short years later. I don't believe this to be a testament to good fortune or guaranteed exclusion from life's hard times. However, it does go to show that there are things that happen, both for good and for bad which are completely outside of our control. Controlling is not our job. Being good stewards of what we have? Our bodies? Our money? Our possessions? Absolutely. Yet the minute we begin to feel power and control over our circumstances - watch out. We're always in for a suprise.

I am reminded of the passage in Matthew (34-37). "But I say to you, make no oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, or by the earth, for it is the footstool of His feet, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. Nor shall you make an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. But let your statement be, ‘Yes, yes’ or ‘No, no’; anything beyond these is of evil. "

I love that - "You cannot make one hair white or black". Ha! We can try it.....we can dye it!! But, in the end....the roots will grow out to be whatever color they are meant to be. That's just the way it is.

So - back to being 40 weeks, 6 days pregnant.......trying to plan the boys' birthday party to correspond with family being in town for Anna Ruth's arrival - not to mention the family pictures I had scheduled for this coming Saturday, "certain" she would have arrived by now.......The house is organized, laundry and dishes done, car detailed, bags packed. Yet, here I sit waiting.

"But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me........Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light." (from Micah 7:7-8)

"There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven.."
Ecclesiastes 3:1

I'm but a thread in a tapestry. I really don't know exactly where I fit into the big picture, but I guess I'll just try to be content as a thread right now. Hmmmm....I wonder what color thread I am? Do I like that color? Can I change it? :-)

How big is God?

2009-10-15T23:31:00.000-07:00

Nothing makes you stop and think like trying to answer the questions of an almost four year old boy. We'll be driving along, and out of nowhere, Caleb will come up with very large questions, obviously having been pondering the thought for quite some time.

"How big is God?", Caleb asks me the other day. I paused to think, then answered, "Well, Caleb He is everywhere all of the time, and He made everything. Therefore, He is bigger than anything we could imagine."

"Is God bigger than a train?", he asks.

"Yes."

"Is He bigger than our car?"

"Yes."

"Is our car smaller than a train?"

"Yes."

After several moments of silence, Caleb finally retorts, "Well, I think if we had a measuring tape that wouldn't fall over when you hold it up, then we could measure God."

As much as I chuckled over that interaction, I began to think that even I - the big grown up in charge, can't really fathom the limitlessness of God. Funny, Caleb tries to fit the puzzle together in the things he sees, knows and understands - trains, cars, tape measures. I see it in the abstract things. I see it when I observe how quickly my two little sons are growing. How Emet picks up new words and phrases each day, how Caleb ponders life and all that it holds, how they both cling to their Mama and Papa wanting to be held and comforted - each as much as the other, seeking and basking in our attention. When I realize that I have been given these precious gifts to love and hold and raise for a purpose.

I see it when I think of our little baby girl, Anna Ruth, inside of me, literally being knit together by God, even as I type. I see it as I ponder that completly separate from our living bodies - we have minds, feelings, and souls. Each of us - unique and different, trying to make our way through the world and figure it out, find our niche, find our purpose.

I'm not sure I'll ever capture the many many changes that have occurred over the past few months in both of my little boys, soon to be 4 and 2......Emet with his "This side?" referring to whatever you are NOT giving him at the time....the once docile little one who now fights for his rights against his brother when he feels he has been wronged. Caleb with all of his rages contrasted by many moments of maturity as he tenderly touches my stomach and asks about "Baby Anna Ruth", or as he prays at breakfast. This morning's prayer went something like this:

"Dear God, Thank you for this day. Please watch over Papa as he drives for work, and Mama while she is 'pre-ge-nat'. Let our light shine. In Jesus name, Amen."....to which Emet chimes in "Ma-Men!!"

I'll likely never fully capture the awe and wonder of being pregnant, of having a child growing inside of me - moving around, receiving life and nourishment from within my own body. As I observe my growing little boys, I realize that they too came from this beginning, yet here they are - full of life, soul and personality.

Yes - these are the times when I am in awe of God, when I cannot fathom "How big is God?" What I do realize, however, is how small I am.

Caleb & Emet

2009-08-07T09:52:00.000-07:00

Emet is jabbering up a storm. There isn't a word he won't attempt, even if the result is nearly unintelligible!....and he is putting words together and attempting phrases. Despite all of this, his most frequently used phrase throughout the day goes something like, "No Way, Say" (No Way, Jose). This he says typically while chuckling with much good humor. However, it is occasionally said in the midst of crying or anger. When his big brother makes mean growling noises at him, he now responds by repeating the sound and intensity of the "growl", much to the frustration of his brother who used to establish his authority making these sounds. While he still says "down?" for down and up, he now also has started saying "up?". What once was "[gear shift noise] cah" has now transitioned to "key cahr", which refers to every wheeled car or truck outside of "tah tuhs" (tractors). He is also a big fan of the phrase "Mine!!"...(which also sounds like My)....this typically comes with a whiny tone!

Emet has what might be considered the stinkiest little feet ever created, so when we take off his sandals, we often say "Whoooooweee!!!" This, he loves, and now responds by thrusting his little stink bombs again and again into our faces and questioning, "Whooowee?" Caleb now also refers to Emet's stinky diapers as "whoowee diapers". :-)

Whenever we leave the house, we always say, "Bye bye, Tata (Caleb's created nick name for Greta). Guard the house, Baby Girl. We love you." Caleb says it each time. Now, Emet has started saying "Bye Bye, Tata".....and an attempt at "We love you, Tata!", which sounds much like "Pa pee, Tata." He also says this to Jason over the phone or when we leave our visits to his work, "Pa pee, Papa" (I love you, Papa.)

His other favorites these days are his "nigh nigh" (blankets) and most importantly his "Poppy" (puppy), a little brown stuffed puppy, now quite ratty from many chews, loves, and kisses. He is extremely attached to this little pet, much more than Caleb ever has been to any of his animals.

Caleb has transitioned from a toddler to a little boy. I guess the most commonly used term is "preschooler". There is just no evidence of baby in him anymore. He thinks deep thoughts and asks lots of questions. Some of his more recent questions are:

"Where do penguins live?", "Where do polar bears live?",

"Can you show me where everything is?" (referring to a world globe I just purchased him),

"Does everything die?",

"How big is God?"...."This big?" (stretching his arms out as wide as they can go)

"Mama, will you be my Mama forever?", or "Mama, I will be your KB forever." (KB is how he first pronounced his name when he started talking, and it sort of stuck.)

He can sit and listen to you read stories for an endless amount of time. He often likes to take the book and "read" it himself to you after we've finished. Also, I've recently noticed that if he is watching a movie, he will curl up on the couch under a blanket and watch the whole thing without needing to get up and play or be otherwise distracted. He laughs and finds different parts humorous. He's just growing up.

I realized not long ago that he is nearly 4 years old. Those 4 years have passed so quickly! He went from a baby to an adorable little boy. However, in the next 4 years, which will pass just as rapidly, I'm sure - he will just become a boy. He will begin to develop into that awkwardness in the years approaching his pre-teens. Before I know it, he will be into his teenage years and beyond. Lately, he has even started pointing to different parts of the globe and telling me that is where he went to high school! :-) (Last time it was Nigeria) Wow. As I've mentioned before, there's nothing like having a child to make you grasp the reality of how quickly time passes.

He is also quite the singer. He combines all sorts of songs and lyrics. I imagine many of them are from what he hears at Sunday School, on the radio, and what Papa sings to him at night. Then, he makes up words and tunes and sings along. I love to hear him singing "Jesus loves me" and "Blessed Assurance" though - the songs he and Emet sing each night with their Papa. Emet sings along too - his favorite phrases being "This is my tory (story)!!!"...(which he sings over and over during the whole song. Also, "The Bahbuh tells me soooooooo"........

Lately, we have been including Caleb in taking turns saying a prayer at mealtimes. Caleb, though he started very quietly and reluctantly, has been gaining more confidence. His prayer typically goes something like this: "Dear God, Thank you for today. Please watch over us as we go to visit Grandpa and Grandma and see the monster trucks. Let our light shine. In Jesus name, Amen". This obviously elicits many twinkles from the eyes of his Mama and Papa - especially since we are typically not on the way to see Grandma and Grandpa......or the monster trucks! But, it's what's on his mind - and for that, we are glad he is praying! It's a great start to a life of putting what's on his heart and mind before God.

Last night, Caleb got so excited about the Clark County Fair, which is starting today. He has been talking about the fair ever since we went last year, asking about where the fair goes, where the monster trucks live, etc. He said, "Are we going to the fair tomorrow?" When we said "No, not tomorrow".....he said - "But, everyone is going to be there tomorrow! I mean, you and me and baby Emet and Grandma and Grandpa!!"

Both of our boys have really been blessed by our nearby family and close friends. They cherish time with each and every one of our friends, with family, at Sunday School, at the Bible study we host at our home, and whenever we entertain friends - which is often. They have alot of good role models in their lives, and for that I am thankful.

With the back to school sales going on now, I'm gearing up to have them participate in the Operation Christmas Child program, where you pack a shoebox full of gifts for a child in a poverty stricken or war-torn area who would otherwise receive nothing at Christmastime. Last year for Christmas, we purchased them banks which are divided into three sections: Giving, Saving, Spending. Currently, any money they receive for gifts or in cards, we just divide it evenly between the three banks - to make it easier. As they get older, we can begin to adjust this. We will be taking money out of their "giving" banks for this project, so we're trying to get the best deals we can on supplies for these boxes. Some of our finds have been $.25 Crayola crayons, $.99 marker sets, etc. I could probably do even better, but time, sanity and pregnancy have to weigh into the overall mix too!

Well, the boys just finished playing with PlayDough in the dining room and the squabbling has begun. There is so much more I would like to capture - there is so much I've missed. However, that's just life, I guess. I'll just hope that someday I can re-read my blog and momentarily relive some of these precious moments. It's the only scrapbook I'm keeping or am likely to keep in the near future.

I love you too, Sweet Mama

2009-08-03T23:09:00.001-07:00

I couldn't pass up the opportunity to capture a few precious moments from tonight, which sort of capture the stage we're in with Caleb right now.

Jason came home from work early with some kind of flu bug, so I did my best to keep the boys away from Jason and out of the house so he could rest.

We went over to Mark and Karen's house (cousins). Allison and I swam in the pool, while Uncle Mark took Caleb and Emet with him to work in the garden, feed Buddy the goat, and collect eggs from the chickens. It was so sweet to look up from the pool and see the boys out there, filling the buckets with various veggies, watering the garden, and feeling very important going about their tasks helping Uncle Mark. When they returned down by the pool, Caleb's eyes were alight with pride as we asked him what he helped to do. As a reward, the boys each got to sit in a chair and eat a popcicle. Caleb later had the courage to get in the pool by himself and ride in a little inflatable boat. (Caleb has not been a fan of pools thus far.) Little Emet got in the boat as well.

When we got home, the boys and I went out to the garden to pick the "Zucumpkins", or rather those squash I have avoided picking for about a week that are now dominating the plants. Caleb suggested we bring the "hay wagon" (the boys' John Deere wagon) to haul the zucchini in. That was the best idea he's had in a long time! We nearly filled it! On the way outside, Jason asked Caleb to watch out for Mama because that was normally his job and he couldn't do it since he was sick. Caleb said, "Ok, Papa" and headed outside. He and Emet stood by my side as I twisted the monstrous zucchinis from the plants. Each stood ready - Caleb with the "hay wagon" and Emet with his little plastic wheel barrow. Both of them wanted squash for their carts, and each was so eager to help do our work.

As we were picking squash, it began getting dark. Caleb began hearing noises and asking me if I heard the monster, the giant, etc. Finally, he said, "Mama - it is getting dark and the bears will be coming out soon." I said, "No, Caleb. I have a couple of more chores to do before we go in. We don't have bears that come around here." He then told me....."But, Mama. It's my job to protect you. I think we need to go in now. It's getting dark." Sure enough, he had barely gotten that out of his mouth when Jason came outside and told us to come in, worrying about the cayotes.

Bedtime was a fairly quick routine tonight. Afterwards, I jumped in the shower, and when I came out, Emet was fast asleep in his crib, but Caleb was staring off to some far place. I went in and traced on his back for a while. When I got up to leave, I said - "I love you, Sweet Boy." He turned to me and said, "I love you too, Sweet Mama."

Why I am thankful

2009-07-26T23:54:00.001-07:00

I have one of the most beautiful marriages I can imagine. Yet, despite the deep love of my truest and best friend, we still have our share of problems. Even we are not exempt. Of course, like anyone else, we have our minor irritations and arguments which surface from time to time. We laugh that we seem to have an annual "blow up", wherein every last wrong or ill feeling comes to a head, following some minor occurance - "the straw the breaks the camel's back" so to speak. Unfortunately, we cannot seem to predict when or where, other than it is typically time alone together - time we might have looked forward to for weeks - time with high expectations on both sides. Last year, it was our anniversary trip - which included two days - one of the best of the year, and one of the worst - all in one weekend. This year's volcano, was preceded by a wonderful weekend at my parents, but was also followed by a fantastic weekend at the beach with some of our dearest friends......and by then we were restored, fully able to relax and enjoy the time together - back to being the intimate couple we typically are.

The most popular American poet of the 19th century, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807 - 1882) wrote the following:

"There are moments in life, when the heart is so full of emotion
That if by chance it be shaken, or into its depths like a pebble
Drops some careless word, it overflows, and its secret,
Spilt on the ground like water, can never be gathered together”

I'm not sure I entirely agree with Mr. Longfellow. I can see where this could be true, human emotions are a powerful and confusing things. However, it seems what is truly lacking in this is someone to truly listen. Recently, our Bible study has been covering the book of James - one of my favorites. One of the things which has most come to my heart from the study is the concept of listening. True listening seems to go far beyond hearing, but encompasses understanding another's heart, their circumstance, their past..........watching and waiting with patience to see them emerge from the shell of who they portray themselves to be, from behind all of those walls we each build around our deepest vulnerabilies, dreams, and desires. We are each created in the image of God, fearfully and wonderfully made with so many things to contribute, so many ways to love, so much to offer another. Yet, so frequently, we shy away from both the true listening....and the true offering of self. Why is this? It seems so self defeating. Why do we seek to pull into ourselves, to shut our doors, to shut others out? Is life intended that we all sit in our own little huts, closing off to the world that which we were created to be? I would speculate that we don't often "listen" to others because we are so focused on protecting our own boundaries, making sure there are no cracks in the walls of our own fortress. Truly listening, means opening yourself to another - offering yourself also as vulnerable, while allowing another to share his or her own.

I believe this is why I am thankful. In all of these thoughts, I realize that my husband Jason and I don't leave much room for walls. "Listening" is important to us. There is nothing on earth we hold more dear than the sacred bond we share as husband and wife, confidants and encouragers, lovers and best friends. When a wall of any sort begins to build, we smash it down (hence, the little arguments). Our annual "blow up" is probably like some sort of spring cleaning, where we go around and knock out each and every possible cobweb that may have crept in during the past year......back in the trash, back on the table - all vulnerabilities laid bare before us. Those vulnerabilities are then tenderly cared for by the other. It hurts every time - sometimes it hurts deeply. But every time, with God's help, we have emerged closer, stronger - our relationship richer, deeper, and more secure. It is this bond which allows us to share our love so freely with others - with our children, with our friends. Would that everyone allow themselves to taste such joy - knowing it comes with pain and trials, but also that it is the most beautiful treasure one could ever know. "Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow." James 1:17

All earthly things pass away eventually. While it brings tears to my eyes to even write this, it is possible I won't always have my Jason beside me. My heart's deepest prayer is that I will have him by my side until we are both old and grey - and die together side by side in our sleep. Maybe God will honor that prayer. I will continue to pray it with all of my heart. However, I have also seen many dear couples separated by death after many years of marriage; couples who are far beyond Jason and I in their devotion and love for each other. What then? Does life's purpose come to an end? Are we left alone? Surely not....

I am reminded in my musings that there is One who does not disappoint, does not fail, does not put up walls against us, One who knows our deepest hurts, fears, and vulnerabilities. He is the ultimate listener......our Creator and Heavenly Father. As we build relationships with each other here on earth, we must not neglect to include Him...."And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. Yet, a cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart."
Ecclesiastes 4:12

This Man

2009-07-05T00:28:00.000-07:00

For those that know my Jason, I'm sure I don't need to explain much about this picture, though it will forever remain in my heart.

This was one of the few weekends we had set aside to be home for the summer. With many hundreds of things to do around the house and in the yard just to keep up with the hot weather, much less make any progress on our various remodeling projects, Jason was raring to go at the start of the day. Yet, he set aside time to work on a couple of projects for me, such as bringing in the air conditioning unit and setting it up.

A couple of hours into the day, our little Emet fell down the stairs. Jason dropped everything he was doing, and from that moment on became the keeper of our little hurting child. After a trip to the Urgent Care department, x-rays on his spine and skull indicating no damage, they sent us home with instructions to watch him carefully. Jason spent the rest of the afternoon with his little Emet, laying on the couch and holding his boy. Emet has a special place in his heart for Papa, and none other would do. As long as his Papa was there, he was comforted. Jason never once complained. He was just there for his son.

When Emet finally became a bit more active, we noticed him favoring his left arm and shoulder. After a few additional exams, Jason found that his collar bone was broken. We'll be taking him back to Urgent Care in the morning for treatment. Mercifully for both Jason and Emet, he fell asleep in his crib - at least for the time being.

"Love is like a friendship caught on fire.

In the beginning a flame, very pretty,

Often hot and fierce,

But still only light and flickering.

As love grows older,

Our hearts mature

And our love becomes as coals,

Deep-burning and unquenchable."

Bruce Lee

My heart matured today, and many more coals were formed within me. What a gift God gave to me. This I know. This I know.

A Time for the Now

2009-07-03T01:01:00.000-07:00

For those who have followed my blog for a while, you will see a recurring theme of my personal struggle to let go of details and order, and go with the now. One of the reasons I have not blogged more since February is my need to “capture” every detail, in order, not missing even one. Needless to say, as the hourglass continues to pour, the amount of time it would take me to catch up on the precious details of daily life and those moments of joy increases exponentially until I feel absolutely overwhelmed. Thus, I do nothing.

So, here I sit, having decided to move on and leave those precious details to the past. Life is fleeting, is it not? As an adult who is not around children, it is sometimes easy to overlook this. Days turn into months and years, but the only times this is evident is during those life altering events or reunions with old friends. When surrounded by children, you see change right before your very eyes. It is so rapid that often a few days can bring end of one phase and the beginning of a new one. It nearly brings tears to my eyes that I have missed capturing every detail of my precious babies’ lives. I recognize this to be an impossible feat, many of those tender moments something only to be captured in my heart but perhaps never again in my thoughts or memory. Is that real? Is it possible for something to forever imprint your heart but never again to be brought to your mind? I can imagine if this is so, it is part of that process of love, and why it grows deeper and deeper over time……embracing those little moments that have forever touched your heart and soul. As Caleb is nearing four years old, often people will ask me to compare how he was at the stage that Emet is at. I often can’t remember. It’s as if it slipped away as sand between my fingers, but my mother’s heart cherishes that little boy now more than I ever have before…..and this love seems to grow each day.

Our children are such a delight. Emet is learning to hold his own against his little brother and often comes to me with brow furrowed, a voice of frustration if not clarity, and fingers pointed at some injustice he has just suffered at the hands of his big brother. However, moments later, they will be laughing and giggling away at some silly game they are playing or as they race around the house as monster trucks or race cars. (I’m never quite sure which they are at any given time.) Caleb makes his car noises inside of his mouth, while Emet engages his tongue outside of his mouth, spit flying and running down his chin. Caleb came up to me the other day, mid race, and asked if I could show him how to make noises like Emet with his tongue outside of his mouth!

One of Caleb’s favorite games is to get Emet to say new words. “Emet, can you say ‘truck’?”, etc. Then, "Good job, Emet!" Emet is talking up a storm and isn’t afraid to try any word, though often he will tease you by saying, “No!” when you ask him to say something. The few words that come to me at the moment are “Ju Peese?” (he is saying juice please, but it means anything to drink – water, milk, juice – he is not particular); “Cookie” (refers to graham cracker, animal cracker, and crackers in general); “Bable?” (Bible, Devotional, or Apple). When he shakes his head “yes”, he also opens and closes his little mouth – so cute! “No”, often includes a furrowed brow and a definite head shake. “Bie?” is how he either asks for a bite or offers one to us.

He is fond of lifting his shirt up as he runs around and showing off his tummy. He has recently also been pointing to my tummy and saying “Baby”. He has started calling all little stuffed animals “Baby”, and loves to carry them around. He loves none more than his puppy, which he calls “Poppie” and bedtime blankets called “Nigh Nighs”. Caleb has always been attached to Tiny Tiger, but never to the degree to which Emet clings to “Poppie”. He has recently started making kiss noises and giving little kisses to his “babies”. He also will hold it out for us to “kiss”, giving us the little kiss noise so that we know what to do when he holds it out for us. He also loves to give us hugs and kisses, something we don’t often turn down. No one is held in higher esteem than his Papa. Emet lives for time with Papa, and when he is home wants to spend every possible minute with him, regardless of what he is doing. He, like Caleb, loves to help Papa do “hard work” and will try to carry pieces of wood, dig with the shovel, and move tools. Emet, while strong willed, is a little easier to discipline - perhaps having seen the results of his big brother's disobedience over time. In the middle of an outburst, when asked if he wants a timeout or spanking, he will frown and shake his head "No". Often, he then begins to calm himself down. Wow. Such was not the case with little Caleb.

Caleb has begun a most endearing stage. He often will climb up on the couch next to me, snuggle in and say, “I love you so much, Mama”. Needless to say, my heart melts each and every time! He loves to sing. “Blessed Assurance” and “Jesus Loves Me” are the songs he sings most. Each night before bed, Jason rocks the boys in the “blue chair” upstairs and they read their Bible, devotional, and sing songs before bed. Emet has even started to sing along. Caleb loves to build with his legos, use his imagination to create new games, toys, and songs , and read books. His very favorite activity is riding his “motorcycle” (bicycle) up and down the driveway and up over the rock pile. While he still has training wheels, it won’t be long before he is ready to get rid of them. And, oh how he loves to be watched. "Mama, watch me do this...", he will frequently say. Delight will fill his countenance after he has accomplished his feat and receives praise or a smile. He also loves to fill up his wheelbarrow and dump truck with rocks and dirt from the driveway and yard. This activity he and Emet do quite often together upon heading outside. It also involves lots of piles of sand and rocks in the grass and on the sidewalk……and on my floor (which consequently almost NEVER appears to have been recently swept or cleaned!).

In the mornings, Caleb often will get out of his bed and come into ours, after Jason has left for work. He’ll ask for a graham cracker (which I give him, much to the chagrin of Jason who finds crumbs on his side of the bed!) He’ll often thoughtfully eat his cracker, then ask for another which he then eats in the blue chair while he reads a few stories. Soon, Emet will call out from their bedroom….”Cookie?” Caleb will jump from the blue chair, ask for more graham crackers for he and Emet, and head off to their bedroom while I get up and ready.

Caleb is also a great helper these days, and can do many errands and chores when given simple, direct instructions. He has been helping to set and clear the table for a while (yes - accidents do happen), and loves to pour me a glass of water. When doing laundry, he often asks if he can help put his clothes away. Will this last? :-) I hope so!

I’m 23 weeks pregnant today, and this pregnancy has been going quite well – outside of the first fifteen weeks of constant nausea. That part was worse than it was with the boys. However, the plus side is – this little one has been a bit easier on the figure than the boys were! It must be because it is a girl! I have recently begun to feel her moving around pretty consistently, which is a comforting thing. Her biggest feat so far was a recent climb of Mt. St. Helens with her Mama! We did quite well and the normal aches and pains of pregnancy were mostly absent on that day. I was forever thankful for this, as it was a pretty intense 14.5 hours!

We are already collecting a lot of pink, girly things – thanks to the generosity and mutual excitement of friends and family. Caleb has also finally accepted that we are having a little girl. For quite a while, beginning during the ultrasound for which he was present, he would say, “No, it’s a little boy,”….and….”I don’t want a little girl. I want a baby boy!”…….Now, it’s “What’s the baby girl doing?”……and “How’s the baby?” as he snuggles close beside me and gently pats my growing stomach.

Ann Hits the Town, Part I: Ann’s First Pedicure!!

2009-05-07T17:10:00.000-07:00

For those reading my blog for the sole purpose of keeping track of our boys, I forewarn you that this particular posting is entirely about me! However, I had a day so worthy of forever capturing that I felt it essential to devote an entire posting to it.

It all began with a birthday card from my cousin Allison, in which she proclaimed my birthday gift to be a childless day of female fun, which would begin with my very first pedicure, include much shopping, and end with a trip to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner! I could hardly wait!

Saturday May 2, 2009 12:30pm. We arrive at the Portland Beauty School, and Allison checks us in for a “Spa Pedicure”. We are escorted back to our massage chairs, complete with whirlpool tubs for our feet. At this point, I am sort of overwhelmed by the whole experience, Vietnamese men and ladies scurrying about, cutting hair, giving manicures and pedicures, while teachers bustle around instructing the students on various tasks. The very first thing I notice is that the people getting pedicures are getting leg massages. Yikes. I hadn’t shaved ……..”Alright, I’m sure this isn’t the first time they’ve encountered scratchy legs”, I think to myself.

Allison selects a chair, rolls up her jeans, and relaxes into the inviting chair and whirlpool – clearly at ease. Now, as tomboy as I may sometimes appear, I assure you I am all girl –and the thought of such a relaxing and pampering treat was very exciting to me! So, following Allison’s lead, I too roll up my jeans, park myself into the chair right next to her, and stick my feet into the SCALDING HOT WHIRLPOOL!!!!!!!!!! YIKES!!! I quickly rip my feet out of the tub and glance over at Allison, relaxed and calm as a gentle stream……….the pedicurist busily working away on her feet.

You know those moments in time, where the world seems to stand still as images flash through your mind? Well, this is one of those moments. My mind rushes back to last summer. Jason and I were shooting with a few people from his work. Jared, the gun aficionado among them, had brought along his Ruger 44 Magnum Six Shooter …..a gun for the real man among men. When I saw Jared, who is quite a burly guy, shoot the gun – I observed how it not only made a sound worthy of a large bomb, but he nearly blew backwards each time he shot it. Now, as Jason can attest, I am the first one to jump right in beside him and try various new things, and I’m no longer shy of shooting guns. However, I was not about to shoot this one! That is until Lance’s wife Pam shot six successful rounds. I, being the only other woman there, now felt I had a duty to uphold. I’d love to say I was completely altruistic in my motives and acted only for my husband’s honor, but I had a fair amount of pride mixed in there as well! So, I took the revolver, shaking from the top of my head to the very tip of my toes, squeezed my eyes shut as tight as possible, and shot the six rounds. ….BANG….BANG….BANG…..BANG…..BANG……BANG. Done. Conquered. Jason could not have been more pleased, and it was well worth overcoming my fears.

So, here I am, back in the Beauty School, seated in my massage chair and looking into the pool of scalding water. My pedicurist has not yet come over, so it’s just me, my chair, and the whirlpool…….and Allison, as my example. “Well”, I tell myself, “if this is what women do to get a pedicure, then certainly I can too.” PLUNGE!! I thrust my feet back into the scalding pool. This time I hold them there. I envision them gasping for air as if I’m drowning them. I’m literally burning. Is this what the Bible is referring to when it discusses the Lake of Fire? Note to self: Make sure to stay on the straight and narrow so as to ensure I do not go to hell. I now feel like I’ve tasted a small piece and it’s not good. I feel like my feet are burning to a crisp and may indeed begin disintegrating at any time. Out they come, and I gingerly place my now very tender feet on the edge of the pool. Again, I look to Allison who says, “Wow, Ann. Mine’s really not that bad…….almost cold even”. That’s it. Back into the lake of fire. Generations of women have said it hurts to be beautiful, and I will get through this. If I can shoot a 44 Magnum Six Shooter and give birth to two children, soon to be three, I can do anything!!! Finally, the pain is beyond enduring and I rip them out once again. Allison’s pedicurist, who has been looking at me rather strangely, finally reaches over and sticks her hand in my whirlpool. She quickly rips it out, and says “Oh – It’s hot!” draining and refilling the tub. At this point, my mind is too numb to process the level of my stupidity. What perhaps I previously thought was my need to prove myself worthy of womanhood, I now realize was the ridiculous lengths we women will go to “fit in”.

At this point, my pedicurist – a young man, comes over and begins working on my tender toes, unaware of my incident with the scalding water. With each touch (poking, clipping, filing, cutting) I jerk with pain, and I know he thinks I’m odd. Finally, he says, “I should have picked her”, referring to Allison. Embarrassed for my outlandish stupidity in subjecting myself to the scalding pool, and not wanting Allison to think I am not enjoying my special birthday gift, I find myself once again appealing to my need to “fit in”, quelling my deep urge to run screaming from the salon. I silently endure the pain of the pokes and prods, with my jerking feet the only indication that I am not completely at ease. I carefully listen for the two pedicurists, sitting side by side, to say “Mi chang”, which my Vietnamese friend Khim told me means “white people” and is typically used when they are discussing you. I don’t hear it, so I feel somewhat relieved. All the while, I vow that I will never, EVER, return for a pedicure. This is torture of the cruelest kind! (I still haven’t really connected that the reason it is hurting so badly is due to the tender burnt skin he is now so skillfully abusing.)

However, at long last, my feet seem to normalize a bit, and the pedicurist begins with the massage, hot towel treatment, and oils. My experience now has turned completely around, and I am already scheming for when I can somehow justify my next spa pedicure. This is BLISS! I will be perfectly content if he rubs my feet and legs for the rest of the day, and I am not worried in the least about the fact that I didn’t shave! (Oh, how fickle the human mind! “Are my plans so fickle that I can say "Yes" and "No" at the same time?” 2 Corinthians 1:17…..“Professing to be wise, they were made fools.” Romans 1:22… I can almost hear God chuckling now. No wonder the Scriptures so commonly refer to us as sheep, the dumbest animal!)

Meanwhile, the tables have turned. The previously composed and relaxed Allison is now thrashing about in her chair, kicking away at the poor little Vietnamese woman who is attempting to massage her feet. “Ah, so we all have our weaknesses”, I smile to myself as I sit back, relaxed and calm – enjoying every bit of the attention. ("Before destruction the heart of a man is proud, but before honor is humility." Proverbs 18:12)

Finally, it’s time to choose our paint. I had decided I wanted a “French Pedicure”, which is the one with the little white strips across the top of your toes. I figured I couldn’t achieve this by myself at home, so I might as well try it once with someone who could……or so I thought. The man starts slapping away the white polish, seemingly wiping it across my toenails in such a manner that I am convinced that not only could I have done it better myself, but perhaps even my three year old could have done better. After he completes one foot, Allison glances over – looking a bit surprised and asks, “Um, do you like it?” “Oh, brother! What do I say now? No? I was actually just contemplating how quickly I could take off all of the polish as soon as I get home and repaint my toenails? It looks like a bird just relieved itself on my foot?” I finally settled on, “Yeah, um, it’s ok. Different than I thought…..” I imagine her disappointment in my experience and feel a little sad. Meanwhile, her toes are looking pretty, completely covered in a nice shade of deep pink. I’m wishing I had gone that route but am a bit embarrassed to tell the guy that I wish he would start over. (Alright, I'm humble now.)

Finally, by some miracle, he finishes both feet and then whips out another set of tools, beginning to correct and shape the white “blobs” on my toes. I’m now glad I have kept my tongue in check, not having blurted out my change of mind. He skillfully works away at my toes until they indeed look pretty and feminine, which I guess was the goal in the first place!

In the end, the pedicure was a one hour experience – including most all human emotions and sensory devices and many spiritual lessons along the way! It started in torture and ended in bliss. Would I want a ‘do-over’ of my first pedicure? NO WAY! It was all worth the story and the memories in the end! Allison and I die laughing nearly every time we replay it. Plus, my toes look fantastic! :-) Thanks, Allison!

Another Precious Day

2009-04-20T21:52:00.000-07:00

"This is the day which the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

I sit here on our lawn with my three boys, Jason, Caleb, and Emet. Today, my birthday, has been a most wonderful day, even if rather ordinary. I guess there is most often something that makes one feel unique and special on their birthday. It was a sunny and warm Monday. The boys and I went for a walk with Grandma Marion on a country road not far from here, then on to visit Mr. Harold, Marion’s friend who is in a nearby adult care home. He gets so much joy from having Caleb and Emet visit. He seems to light up like a Christmas tree. It’s funny how little effort it takes on one’s part to bring so much joy to a lonely old soul – an hour every couple of weeks or so.

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged, though I’ve thought to 1000 times. This pregnancy has been a bit rougher than the others. Of course, everyone insists this means it may be a girl. I guess I could agree. It may be. I suppose I have a 50 / 50 chance! However, though one may think after two boys I would be desperate for a girl, I’m not. Sure, I’d love a little girl as much as anything, but I so treasure my two little boys and their Papa, that I’d be overjoyed to welcome another one. Jason is such a wonderful husband and father……the best I could ever imagine. I can’t imagine any young men not profiting from being raised by such a man. The world will truly be a better place because of him, if all he is ever know for it being the father of his sons.

In the past few weeks, I’ve once again learned several lessons about life. A dear friend passed away suddenly at age 34 from a blood clot going to both sides of her lungs following a c-section to deliver her fourth child. Four little children, ages 5 and under are left without their Mama. These little ones are blessed to have such a wonderful grandmother who is willing to spend most of her time two states away in California to help the now widowed father raise his four young children. Two other children I have been following recently passed away from brain cancer. Another family we know recently learned their son who seemed fully recovered from leukemia last year now has to fight the entire battle all over again, with only hopes and prayers for the same clean result and healthy son they had just one year ago….and then hopes and prayers that they won’t have to face the same trial all over again. I know it is not healthy to allow yourself to drown in these matters, yet prayer and thoughtful reflection do produce fruit, so I do allow myself to ponder the meaning of it all, and how I can live my life differently with the current blessings I have of health and life for both myself and my family. I guess what I’ve put together from it all is that life is truly a gift, and is certainly not a guarantee. There must be something we are to learn and gather from our time on earth, however lengthy or brief. There must be a purpose to our lives.

As for me, this whirlwind of sad events has almost slowed my life down to a fast-forwarded movie in slow motion, if that makes any sense at all. Both boys seem to be developing and changing in leaps and bounds……especially with Emet, some stages only lasting a few short days. Yet, as fast as it is all going, each moment, each tiny part of every day – each laugh, each tantrum, each teasing smile and poorly pronounced, but proudly attempted word, sticks to my mind like glue. I treasure every moment, and pray that if it is my last with them that I will have a storehouse of treasure from which to draw and that's I've been the very best Mama I can be.

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not wallowing in fear of the next moment, though one’s mind could easily turn there. I simply cannot make heads or tails of why sometimes we escape from certain tragedy and sometimes we don’t. For example, in all practicality, Jason should not be walking or running. His accident three years back which crushed his vertebrae nearly always paralyzes. His neurosurgeon said it was an absolute miracle the way his spine was protected from being severed. He'd never seen anything like it. And without a full face bicycle helmet (and how many people even wear those?), he would very likely be dead. Jason runs 6 miles twice each week and ran the 2008 Portland Marathon. He climbs trees, rides quads, and throws our boys into the air. My life should be so different from what it is now – but it isn’t.

Julie was healthy and strong – absolutely nothing wrong with her. She was pumping milk for the baby, eating dinner, and chatting with her husband and planning to come home from the hospital in a couple of days. Blood clot to her lungs a few hours later and she’s gone.

Joshua was 12, only son of a single mother. He’s gone.

Jeananne was 16 – just turned. She’s gone.

Luke, still fighting, a true champion. He’s 8.

One could ponder the significance of such tragedy for a lifetime. However, one thing is certain. There is something to be learned in each of our own lives from such things. The longer we live, the more of it we’ll see. And, hopefully, it will begin to dawn on each of us. I guess that is why it is the young that are reckless – thinking they will live forever, that they are invincible. Life is precious – so let’s make it meaningful, extracting each joy and pain from every day, and apply it to our hearts so that we can somehow become better people for it. The God of creation remains who He is, and He remains faithful to those who trust in Him. Even if we don’t find life to be fair. Even if we're real with Him and tell him just how unfair we think it all is. He created us, I guess he knows our limitations. I suppose there are just some things our human minds will not ever be able to comprehend here on earth. I’ll choose to follow Him though, versus a life of bitterness and emptiness…..a life of no hope for the future. What do I really have to lose? "...for I will turn their mourning into joy And will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow." Jeremiah 31:13

Jesus said in Matthew 11:28, “Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” I think I will go there.

A Good Day

2009-02-21T22:45:00.000-08:00

This day was characterized by nothing in particular, except that it was good. It couldn't help that we started the day with the little secret we had sent out to our family and friends via e-mail the night before, and we secretly awaited their suprised responses. Finding out last night that we were pregnant with our third child seemed almost surreal.......then waking up remembering that there is now a child growing inside of me! The baby won't be here for nine months, yet how quickly that time goes. I can't help but wonder, what will the little child be like? What personality and characteristics are even now developing? It was fun to see Caleb and Emet get caught up in our excitement about a new baby. One minute they were hopping around in excitment, holding the pregnancy test for the picture - the next Caleb declared he did not want a new baby. Well, it's a little late now! He asked the other day (before we knew we were pregnant), "What would we name a new baby?" Both he and Emet like to cuddle with baby Caleb, 4 months, from our Bible study. He is a mystery to them. Funny, but I wonder sometimes if Caleb even remembers when Emet was a tiny baby, or if what he is now blends in his mind to create the past? That happens to me too. I try to think back to when Caleb was a baby or even Emet's age, and I have a hard time separating the present from the past. I simply cannot remember. I remember little things here and there - or particular events, but not the general, daily personality. I don't seem to have a recording in my brain to pull from.

Our friend Julia is pregnant as well. Their baby is due October 20th -ours October 29, exactly 5 days from Emet's birthday (October 25) and 5 days from Caleb's birthday (November 2). Given that Caleb was 2 weeks late and induced.....and Emet was 5 weeks early, I guess there is little guessing when this baby will actually be born, but it is likely that it will be October or November.

The reader must wonder if we are planning this only to save money and time on years of birthday parties? I guess we'll take that one year at a time....but so far the Ordway Family Birthday Gala has gone pretty well! :-)

We had a bonfire tonight on "the other side", as we call it. What started with three couples and our friend Randy plus 5 children between us all (not including the buns in the oven), ended with Jason, Randy, and myself (boys now sleeping soundly in their little beds) talking by the fire about politics, relationships, and life in general. It's amazing how something as small as standing around a fire, can draw us together and relax us enough to be able to open up and talk. No one would probably stand around in a circle staring at the grass and share such deep conversation. Yet, there we stood, coffee mugs in hand, waving away the smoke and discussing life. I sit here on the couch, Jason now up rocking Emet who awoke crying, smelling like camfire, staring at our own flaming woodstove, and typing in this blog.

Our land,1.7 acres, long and narrow is divided by a stream. We are right on a busy country road - a long, straight 50mph stretch in which cars often go much faster. That used to bother me to no end. However, I am truly coming to feel settled here, on our place in the country. The land around us is open, and we have beautiful, pastoral views. Our small country home is cozy and warm (many thanks to our new woodstove), and there is alot of potential to what we can do to both our land, our buildings and our little house, even if we have to fight with the carpenter ants to do so. I am content, and there is great peace in that. That took a while in coming, for though I was trying to be content, I guess I always sort of wished my house were not the house it is.....I wished our land was in another spot. I wished the traffic were not so busy and loud. I was always looking forward to what lay ahead, the next place we might call home, never allowing my heart to settle here. I guess what I am saying is that I still look forward to what God has for us, as a couple, and as a family. We still have a dream of having alot of land and a big house to share with those in need of rest or relaxation. However, in the meantime, God has us here. We are called to share what we have now - right here, and make it into as much of a place of warmth, relaxation, and solace as we can.....a lighthouse for those who enter. What I'm learning is - it probably doesn't have as much to do with the location, the landscaping. the space, or the interior design as I once thought.

dOWnnn

2009-02-18T22:48:00.000-08:00

What a little cherub is our Emet. In transferring all of my files from my old laptop to my new one, I came across a photo of Emet from when he was only a few days old. Funny thing is, I can see the little Emet we know now in his little newborn face. I’ve come to the realization that beyond your first child, it must be near impossible to keep track of the exact day and order of new events (new words, new actions, new concepts). My organized, type-A mind strongly desires to keep on top of these things, my very human body and reality prevent me from doing so. Thus, here I write – often times weeks from the “first”, quite possibly out of order – but recorded nonetheless.

Outside of the words “Mama” and “Papa”, which Emet has used for quite a while now – he has perfected the word “Down”, which began as “Doon”. Now it is definitely “Down”, but with a very strong emphasis on the “ow” as in “ouch”. This word means “Pick me up”, “I want up there”, “Put me down”, and “I’m tired of being in here (ie the car seat, stroller, etc.) and I want out!” He says it frequently and repeatedly. What a sweetie! The word down will never again hold the same meaning for us. Saying it will likely always bring a smile to our face. The irony is, though I say this now, it is likely that in another year or two that I won’t remember that about Emet at all, save for the reminder of reading through this blog. I can’t quickly recall similar words from Caleb. It is a gentle reminder that I am just to cherish the now, soak it in, experience it fully, internalize the joy – record it if I can, but just live life to the fullest. If I am constantly worried about not capturing the present, I may miss it in the process.

Emet definitely says “Greta”, which sounds like “Gray-ya?” You hear him calling her from the laundry room, with his little face pressed against the door glass, standing on tippy toes. We also think he may say “thank you”, though if he is saying this, it sounds like “Tyu”. Caleb? Well – he calls to him, but we’re just not sure how to even interpret what he’s saying. He says something like "Doc" (or something similar) for Dog, and "Shu" for shoe. His only other phrase to note at this point, at least that I can remember, is “Dat one?”, which he says as he points to something in question. It is as if he is asking who or what something / someone is.

He has begun to use the sign for “more”, for which he claps his hands. (today, he may actually have done the actual sign - Jason saw it). He can also sign “thank you”, but much like Caleb – he must be prompted for this. Sometimes you can see that he wants to sign something, such as “drink” and ends up just trying all of his signs at once in sort of an interpretive dance of the hands. Then he looks at you inquisitively as if to see if you understood.

He is walking so fast now that he is practically running, and on that note can go so fast that he is practically pitching and stumbling forward – which occasionally he does, crashing into whatever is nearby.

One of his latest gestures is that he likes to shake his head “no” teasingly. For example, if asked if you can have a kiss, he will often shake his head “no”, whereas before, he always would oblige and lean towards you with a wet, open mouth for a slobbery kiss. Now, you’re lucky to get one of those!

Another of his favorite things is listening to music. Every time we turn on Veggie Tales, he looks happy and starts clapping his hands and moving his head from side to side. It's funny how children seem to just "connect" with children's music. When he is really happy, his little mouth is wide open in a big, happy smile.

Puppy, his little brown soft toy is becoming a fast and dear friend. While he has always had it nearby in bed, it seemed to be more that we put it there than that he chose it. However, Puppy has grown near and dear to his heart, and he will look for it. Another fun toy of his is his big, soft, bright green, yellow, and orange frog which croaks. It is almost as big as he is, but he hauls it around, throws it down, and then falls on it. He loves to press its button to hear it croak, then pick it up and give it a hug. What a precious site!

Caleb has also taken to "fathering" Emet's frog, and he says "I'm singing Emet's frog a song to help him go to sleep". He tenderly holds his own "friends", as he calls them - looking them in the face, then giving them a hug or kiss to care for them. We tell him he is such a good Papa.

He loves to be held in the presence of strangers, and when they talk to him, he often shyly buries his little head in my chest, peeking out at them and giving a little smile. What a flirt! He definitely has a “favorite” lady in the nursery, a pretty long-haired blonde teenager name Lia. It brings her great joy that she is often the only one who can comfort Emet when he is upset. What a ladies man he is! He has a flirtatious grin and an inquisitive brow, which he can use to tease or frown when upset.

Both boys are recovering from bad colds and earaches, Caleb’s which began Sunday and was bad enough to where he was holding both ears and saying “my ears hurt”. He skipped out on playing with the kids at Bible Study and opted to snuggle on the couch with Mama instead. Not that I like him to be in this pain, but it sure was a welcome change to have him so desire to be with his Mama. That night, he and Papa “camped out” on the couch. I think they both thought of it as quite the adventure, snuggled under the down comforter, warmed by the wood stove. Papa would help Caleb and give him drinks when he woke up, chest heaving with terrible coughs. Emet was sick for about 2 weeks, between colds, earache, and teething. (He seems to be getting all of the rest of his teeth at once, and they come up and go down over and over before pushing through, unlike Caleb’s who did that only for short periods.) He seems to be past the worst of it though, and is much more chipper these past few days.

Caleb’s maturity continues to amaze us. He is becoming such a little person, who thinks and reasons on his own, asking questions as they come to him, outside of the “Why” stage he was in for so long (though we definitely still get our share of “whys”.) He seems much more able to articulate things than he was before. One of my favorite things is to glance in the rearview mirror and see him or Emet gazing out the window and wondering what is going through their little minds?

Caleb’s imagination is definitely on the move, and he can often be found “pretending” various things. One of his favorites these days it to pretend he is a monster truck, jeep, race car, etc. and race around the house, stopping for gas as needed. I’ll often ask him what he is. The other day, I asked and he said, “Just Caleb”. J Is there such a thing as “Just Caleb”? I think that is probably the most special of all.

Recently a firetruck came to our house, as the neighbors barn was on fire. The firemen were kind enough to let Caleb get inside the truck. They then gave him some stickers and a plastic firemans hat. He loves to wear this hat around, and it is already cracked in a 100 places. I'm thinking we might have to hunt down a sturdier one for him at some point, with all of the wear and tear this thin plastic hat is getting. He will bring it to me and ask if I can tape it to fix it.

Something Caleb says frequently to Mama, Papa, and others is “I like your shirt [pants, hat, coat, shoes, apron, hair, etc.]” He can be such a little encourager. His spirit is as strong as ever and as sweet as his encouragements are, his rebellious, defiant side is hard at work as well. A frequent struggle we have is his common response to us of “I will NOT [do whatever we have asked]!!!”, “I will break [whatever we are doing that he doesn’t want us to do – ie I will break your walk, your Quicken night, etc.]!!”, and “I will TAKE [baby Emet’s toy]”. He definitely doesn’t like feeling a loss of control. However, as he is starting to realize that actions, both good and bad, have consequences, he is starting to have to control his emotions for things he strongly desires. For example, Grandpa O recently purchased a Jeep. Caleb really wanted a ride in Grandpa’s Jeep as he has a particular fascination with Jeeps. He was being naughty and I told him that a ride in Grandpa’s Jeep was on the chopping block and that with continued misbehavior, he would lose privilege to ride in it. I could see him physically trying to hold in his response. It was amazing! Normally, he would rage out with “I will NOT!!!” (followed by a time-out, spanking, loss of toy, or some other consequence). This time though, he REALLY wanted to ride in the Jeep and knew Mama was serious. I guess the moral of that story is to learn what it is that day and time which provides the best leverage to your cause. Always loosing the same thing or toy loses its effectiveness.

An acquaintance of Jason’s through his work just lost his 11 year old son Kasey to Brain Cancer two weeks ago today. Kasey’s mom, Amy, updated the Caringbridge website today with a truly touching note – simply sharing her heart, and how it feels to be missing her son, realizing that his little brother misses him too. Last night, her son went to bed and she could hear him in his room talking to himself. She thought about how they used to laugh and jabber on together in their room. Immediately, I could almost hear my two little boys giggling and laughing as they interact together, and I could physically feel the pain of her loss, and that of the little brother who now stares at an empty bed in a quiet room. I wanted to share a piece from her update, as it so truthfully captures the heart of a mother.

Good morning Crew!

Something is sticking out very firmly in my mind right now..
Two weeks ago today, our ^Kasey^ became an angel. The last two weeks have gone by so slow. I wish sometime that I could just skip through my life and go right to the end. I know I know.. that's not the plan.. so, I will live through it and wait my turn. My other boys need me right? Colbey was sick yesterday so he stayed home from school. Oh how his requests and ailments sounded just like Kasey's. "Mom, will you sit next to me? Mom, can I have some more sprite? Mom, I have a worser headache than before. Mom, my feet are so cold, will you warm them up." I longed for Kasey's voice with some of those requests. But.. I sat with my Colbey, I got him his sprite, passed out the tylenol and warmed his feet as best I could. We ran out for lunch with another of Kasey's favorite lines.. "Mom, can we go out and get lunch today?" I couldn't say no.. not for one second.

Last night after I tucked Colbey in bed for the 100th time, I heard him talking to himself. Not sure what he was saying.. but.. I waited for that other little voice to chime in just like so so many nights before. They would talk and talk to each other forever. I think Colbey misses that too!

It's just not right.. his chair is empty, his stuff just sits. I want him back.. I just want him back. The old Kasey.. the healthy Kasey. I wouldn't dare have him back to be sick and in pain.. no.. I wouldn't ask for that. I just want to hear his voice.. feel his touch.. see his smile. Someday right??

Somedays are not has hard as others. I know Kasey is healed, he is free. I can't help but smile and rejoice for him. How proud his dad and I are of him. So glad to have had him if only for 11 years. Thank You God for blessing our house and our family with Kasey Ryan!
…
Have a good Wednesday! Hug your kiddo's extra tight. Tuck them in, and one more time if you have too. Take a mental note of that smile.. always and forever say "I love you!" They are only young for a little while and not necessarily ours to keep.
Continued prayers for all our warriors out there!

Love and Hugs,
signing off at 7:26am pst

Amy.. ^Kasey's^ mom

Only the Sweetestest Mama Will Do

2009-01-28T23:21:00.000-08:00

I am sitting at Starbucks this evening for my weekly night of “escape”. Mostly, I enter our receipts into and analyze our budget, and if I’m lucky, have some time to blog or look at my planner, and generally zone into whatever realm I choose, none of which ever includes “Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama…” One might also call this my night of mental health.

This night, I’m more than glad to be here. The “escape” was welcome. Our poor little Emet is cutting 4 molars at once, and in addition to the pain he is no doubt feeling from the teeth, he has had a fever, a constantly runny nose (and rear end), and the general fussiness of teething. To my simultaneous chagrin and delight, often times “only Mama will do”. Papa is a second best, but often when he sees me, he reaches out, face wrinkled in frustration and tears and wants his Mama. This has been going on for almost a week now. I remember only a day or two with Caleb where he was in near constant need of being held and catered to by Mama. My favorite part of Emet needing me is how he nuzzles his little head against me. If someone talks to him when he is in my arms, he tilts his head towards my chest and looks at them from the protection of Mama. He toddles up to me and holds his little arms up, with his characteristic “Mmmm, Mmmmm, Mmmmm” (He does this for just about anything he is wanting, from more food, more to drink, some of what you are having, wanting to be picked up, get out of the high chair, etc. He is definitely not yet doing the signs for “more”, “all finished”, “milk”, “drink”, “eat”, “hurt”, “get out”, “please”, and “thank you”. We are looking forward to that stage and moving beyond the “Mmms”! ) Emet is definitely coming up with a few words, though they are still difficult to understand, and probably near impossible for anyone else outside of Jason, Caleb, or I. We think he is saying “Grey-ah” (Greta), and possibly “Grandma” (can’t remember how it sounded – but it was very probably Grandma – hasn’t said it since). “Doon” (Down) still means up and down. “Dat” (That), which he uses to ask about something when we are reading through books – an item he is learning to bring us more and more often. He has discovered sitting on Mama’s lap, and as soon as I sit down on the ground, frequently in front of the woodstove, he immediately goes over to the bookshelf, pulls off a book (often from the very bottom of a stack), and toddles it over to me – turning around and moving towards me awkwardly in order to land on my lap, which I still help him to do. When Caleb is around, both boys sit on my lap at once. Emet is getting more and more patient with books. We can now read through several pages without him trying to rip it from our hands and shove it aside. More often, he is beginning to point to things on the pages and say, “Dat.”

Caleb is so full of being 3 these days. He surprises me each and every day with his ever expanding horizon of understanding. Caleb has made a new little friend in the nursery on Wednesday, when I go to my women’s Bible study. His name is Blake. Now, Caleb has interacted with several little boys and girls – sons and daughters and our friends, and others in the nursery. I have always thought Caleb a little different from the other children. I’m not sure if it is that I am his mother….or if it is that he doesn’t watch television….or he is not in day care….or whatever else it could be. As rambunctious and “all boy” as he seems to be, he has a tender little spirit. For instance, when leaving a Christmas party, he tried to say goodbye to the other children, and give one of the kids a hug goodbye. He was looked at with oddity, and shoved away by the kid who he tried to hug. Where are the manners? And where is the love, I’m wondering? What are people teaching / not teaching their children? In any case, a few weeks back, when I went to pick Caleb up from the nursery, the nursery worker told me that Caleb had made a new friend and they played and interacted very well together. From the first time I met Blake – just that day – I could tell that indeed, he was very much like Caleb. When they went to say goodbye to each other , they both reached out to give each other a hug, then politely but excitedly said, “Goodbye, Blake”, and “Goodbye, Caleb”…..”See you next time.” I was thrilled. From that day on, Caleb has asked frequently about Blake, gets excited each week to go see him, and mentions missing him throughout the week. Blake seems equally anxious to see Caleb. I haven’t yet met his mother as his Aunt is the one that brings him to Bible study, and she doesn’t attend that church – only the Women’s Bible study there. I’m not sure how you approach getting together in a situation like that – but perhaps over time I can figure it out for Caleb’s sake.

Our neighbor’s barn caught on fire today. It is about 30 feet away from our furthest outbuilding, which then proceed to cascade like dominos towards our house. I called 9-1-1 after a passerby stopped to tell us our barn was on fire. (Everyone thinks it is our barn due to its proximity to our house. We wish it were, as it and the land its on would make our home much more valuable!) In any case, the fire department came out, and the truck parked at our house. Caleb watched with excitement from our sliding glass door – watching them get into their gear, get the hoses out, and go into the black smoke. After the fire was put out, he and I went outside to watch them and look at the fire truck, he , clad in his yellow, black, and red fireman’s raincoat and rain boots. He waved at the firemen, and one of them, Joe, asked him if he would like a helmet and some stickers. Of course, he did. He also got to get inside the fire truck and look around, which he did bravely, if a bit shyly. After they left, however, he wanted his new fire helmet on several times. When I asked him to go out to the outbuilding to get out Greta, he wanted to put on his Fire coat and Helmet, “so that Greta will be safe”, he said.

Today, Caleb was snuggled next to me on our leather chair reading stories before naptime. He reached his little arm around me from behind and said, “I love you Mama. You’re the sweetestest Mama.” That made my day, and likely many, many days to come. In fact, this may be one of those moments I remember long after my children have left home and have children of their own. It may well make my day then, too.